I feel like I am falling through the cracks. I am isolated.

Towards the end of 2017 the counselor (from my health care provider) said (on the phone) that I was probably not seriously suicidal because I purchased a pair of hiking poles. The counselor said, "People who are suicidal buy guns, not hiking poles." I am certain this information is incorrect. Many high-functioning people have committed suicide and there are plenty of ways that don't even require one to purchase a gun or anything like that.

The counselor has not called me since the beginning of 2018. The primary care doctor has not followed up since my December office visit even though I left that visit severely depressed.

I don't really care anymore. This doesn't mean I am going to stop all my original coping methods. I will continue with no smoking, no drinking, a very clean diet, exercise, meditation, deep breathing etc. I am going to church twice a week during Lent.

But I am at a very low point in this journey. I feel a complete loss of hope and am turning to my spiritual practice. I am also attempting to put all my personal affairs in order because I don't want to be a burden. I have stopped talking to family and friends about my situation. I just communicate in a lighthearted manner. They seem to be fine with this and never ask how I am really doing.

I keep telling doctors I am not doing well. I told the counselor I was not doing well. In the past I have told family and friends that I am not doing well. If anything happens to me they will just shake their heads and say, "She was battling depression..." and leave it at that.

I really wish that friends and family would do more for someone in this situation. Sure it might take time and effort. I also think that medical professions should not be content with having a 20 minute conversation with a patient and sending them on their way without any treatment.

I have severe financial problems. I am totally isolated. I am in crisis. I can only keep holding on. There is nothing else to do.

When I told the counselor I felt like something really bad was going to happen to me she said that was nonsense and I only felt that was because of the anxiety. Doh? Isn't anxiety an alarm???

I seriously don't feel like I am going to see the end of 2018. I feel like I am going to have an accident or have a heart attack in my sleep. I did everything possible. I did everything people told me to do. I think...what is missing...is follow-up. I can't afford therapy even on a sliding scale. A counselor calling me for 20 minutes once a month seemed to do more harm than good.

Ironically, now that I have stopped talking to anyone about what is really happening...friends and family are back to complaining to me. This is so ludicrous as to be unbelievable. Their problems seem inconsequential. They complain on and on about minor things. Everything is back to normal. I am the "rock" who shoulders other people's burdens.

I am taking it one hour at a time. I can only do it one hour at a time.

If anyone wants to private message me or leave a message on my message board or reply here...it would be appreciated. I don't have anyone on my ignore list even though this week another member got a little snarky. So be it. We all have problems and hopefully we can keep a good rapport with one another and support one another in our journey.