Thank you so much for your responses.

Tishie,
Your counselor is absolutely right.....there is no way that they can change unless they want to completely inside of themselves.....my psychologist has been working on this with me & he has also been working with my husband, trying to sort things through for me & he keeps saying that I am better off & happier without him. It's hard because we have been talking over the phone & long distance psychology over the phone is rather tough. My husband has been in Ca while I have mostly been here at my farm in KY. I have been so happy & peaceful here in KY.

Alexandra k,
Actually, I am not very good at the intimate part of a relation....but I would really love to have a good partnership....a team work that works together for the good of both people. I always found that without that, there is no way that I can ever feel like being intimate with someone. I have had a psychologist since 1994, working on my issues, then we got into a physical fighting situation a couple of times because of my frustration with the relationship & we worked together with my psychologist for several years, but it made no difference with him. He had no idea of how to get in touch with himself & why he didn't want to put any effort into making the marriage work.

The final conclusion was that he doesn't want to put an effort into anything in his life. If it doesn't come easy (without any effort) he just doesn't bother with it. That was his approach to classes in school, to his job, & to his marriage. He is a very lazy person & doesn't want to lift a finger to do anything. He won't fix anything it the house. Nothing got fixed unless he could pay someone to fix it. He wouldn't clean up after himself so the house wasn't cleaned unless I did it or we hired a house keeper to do it....& pick up after himself.....his mommy always took care of that, so he didn't need to. My Mommy did that for me too & I didn't turn out like that......that's where the lazy comes into the picture.

My psychologist has been working with him while I have been here in KY & he doesn't have any insurance....he manulipates that into looking at how the ADD (my pdoc finally Dx'ed him with after all these years) is causing his problems rather than looking at what he needs to do to make his life work & what he has to do to fix it. Of course, he doesn't want to know that he has to do anything because he is lazy & doesn't want to put out the effort to make any changes. He always hopes that I will go back to tolerating him & says over & over that he can't change when the truth is that he WON'T change. Therapy only works if the person is open to working on themselves.

Thank you for the suggestion however, you are right about the therapy.....I just wish is would have worked.

Bebop,
Yes, I am in KY. I wasn't going to make it for Christmas, but I stupidly allowed him to say that he was sorry (not on his own accord but during a heated discussion....think that's called a fight). He didn't want to mess up Christmas for our daughter who was to fly here & so he said he would back down & make the changes to be peaceful, so we would bring all the 12 dogs & arrive here by the time our daughters flight came in. He waited until the very last minute to say anything but according to him, there would be no problem making it on time. Only problem, he couldn't pack all the dogs & things into my truck & it was my fault because I had to bring back to KY the winter cloths & had taken to CA with me just after Thanksgiving. My fault that I couldn't pack light enough. Then he finally realized that my plan to haul the horse trailer with the dogs was the right thing to do (my original plan that wasn't his idea). The truck wasn't set up for hauling the trailer but according to him....all I had to do was get the hitch with the ball on it because my truck already has the towing package on it. I wasn't about to haul the trailer across the country with my doggies in it without knowing that was all that was necessary, so I insisted on talking to a trailer hitch company in Ca. Found out I needed an electric breaking system installed....more time & money before we could leave......but according to him....I really didn't need it & it would be ok without it. I refused to listen to him & had it installed the way it should be. I always listen to him & then something bad happens, so I refused to listen & took care of my truck the way I knew I needed to. By the time we left it was Friday night & we needed to be in Louisville Sunday night.....no way was that going to happen even driving straight with no stops so we set up a motel room for our daughter to stay in until we could get there the next morning.

I tried to keep quiet & peace while our daughter was here for the 2 days, but after she left, it seemed that everything he said or did made me so angry. I realized that I felt that my peaceful castle here was being threatened like my home in Lancaster & I was fighting to save it from him. This time was where I started wondering if I was really being too critical. It seemed that there wasn't a day that went by without a huge fight & I was putting in so much energy to making sure he knew what I was angry about, that I was getting nothing accomplished with the house like I had come here to do. The only time there was peace was when I just kept quiet about what was bothering me...it wasn't that is wasn't there, it was just that I didn't say anything. He kept saying that he was trying & that he wasn't doing the things I was saying he was doing & that he really was changing. Why couldn't I see it.....I was looking for it really or was I just feeling so threatened by loosing control here...which was what was happening. I felt it all sliding back to the way things were in Ca & couldn't handle it.....but was it my imagination or like he said, I really didn't want him here anyway? I know myself very well, & I know that what was happening was real & that his behavior wasn't acceptable in my house.

I kicked him out last week, but now I am stuck having to take care of all the dogs. I was planning on caring for them AFTER I got the house finished & ready to move into....I don't have the time or energy to do both.....so I kind of shot myself in the foot. I am so stressed that I feel frozen & am having a problem doing anything. The other day, my anxiety got so bad, all I did was sleep for 2 days just to escape my mind & just do enough to feed & water the dogs.....so cleaning up their cages is now a nightmare. It has been so cold, I couldn't let them outside....being Ca dogs, they can't handle the 10 degree temp or even the 20's, so that is adding to the mess. When my anxiety level gets this high, I become non-functional which is what I was fighting in CA. I keep hoping that I will get through it, but called my husband yesterday & told him he had to haul at least 1/2 the dogs back to CA because it wasn't fair that he manulipated his way back here & knew it wasn't going to work. He admitted that he thought I would tolerate him more than I did & that is wouldn't be all up to him to make the changes. The problem is that if I give an inch, he takes a mile & won't do anything, so I finally wouldn't budge at all & this is what happened.

Trying hard to figure out how to take care of myself when I am in over my head right now. He pushes me & then wonders why I yell. I can only get pushed so far before I loose it & 32 years of being pushed leaves me at the snapping point most of the time. He pushed me, I yell & he gets pissy, asking me why I am getting so upset when he knows exactly why. He just can't be that stupid to not hear what I am saying or understand after all these years.

Spiritual Emergency,
You are right on with everything you have said & the emotions I'm going through. You have put so many of the feeling into the right words & I very much appreciate that. It's much harder to say that someone isn't a good person for you or the marriage when they AREN'T A BAD person & don't do bad things. When it's just personality conflict, it's much harder to say that if you weren't just a bit more tolerant then it would be all ok. If I could be tolerant & happy, then it might be ok, but I've tried being tolerant & wasn't happy.

One other problem is that after 32 years, it's hard not to have someone around to give a helping hand if nothing else, & it's a bit lonely at times being by ones self, but then the peacefulness that comes from it is such a contrast to the tension of the relationship. I know I have to accept that he refuses to make the changes needed to make the marriage work on my terms (the terms I set down when I first got married 32 years ago & let go of). I have to realize & convince myself that my terms weren't wrong or that I really didn't expect too much from the marriage like he keeps telling me I did. I have to realize that he keeps telling me that because he didn't want to put anything into making the marriage work except for being a good person & doing nice things when asked.

Luckily, for me, the farm is completely paid for & I put it in my name with my daughter as benificiary if I die. As soon as I get more settled here, I will make sure that it is protected against any financial actions to make it a limited liability corp or whatever works legally. My husband has no title to this property at all & that makes him a bit angry also. I did that intentionally to let him know that if changes didn't happen in the marriage that he wasn't welcome here at all, EVER.

Taking care of myself the best way that I can does give me a sense of accomplishment, but as long as I don't let the sense of frustration get to me when I am in need of help & there is no help available. When I let him come here for Christmas & planned on him staying to take care of the dogs while I finished fixing the house was a huge mistake on one hand, but on the other, I saw the him that I would have to continue to put up with the rest of my life & it was threatening my peacefulness here. I had no idea that I would react so strongly against him as I did & that was where I started wondering just how overly critical I might have been. The reality was just how disrespectful he actually was when he came here, refusing to act as a guest in my house & saying that it was ok to treat me that way because he was my husband.....say what????

He really knows how to trigger anger & then wonders why I react the way I do.

Thank you all kindly for your responses....it helps me put more thoughts & words to what I am going through.

Debbie