elevatedsoul,
many well thought your way.
You're trying and learning; and that's always something. In due time, you'll look back and hopefully realize/preceive your growth. Perhaps even now, realizing your behaviour can be viewed as a growth.

There's a lot in your post that I feel that I relate to.

Vortex, I call mine a black hole, or another maybe a Time Warp that leads to a black hole; depends on what I've noticed on how I got there or how i view it that time.

I've been working with my current t on some of these things; learning it's a way of protecting myself.

For me it's dissociation, it's depression sometimes too; but dissociation when I've been overloaded.

It was something I naturally did to survive, I've tried to use it as a tool when I can, but that can be hard and tiring.

I'm still learning too, I have other maladaptive behaviors and healthy ones.

As I've gotten older, and when I have noticed that I seriously don't feel connected I try different things if I can think of them-

• write that I feel this way,
• sometimes I go to a float tank,
• been taking to t,
• sometimes I try to do art (a hobby that I once enjoyed, though sometimes this can make me more sad if I feel so disconnected because it's just sad to me),
• try to have little increments of talking with people that I feel okay with when I'm close to "normal" for me.-- this one shocks me at times, to get what refer to as Sparks something. Other times, I'm a great actress.
• Sometimes, time- sometimes a trip to nature, smelling a flower,
• or my cat or friends dogs;
• sometimes my maladaptive way to get out, but safely (sorry, but I smoke

).

Any little uplifting/awake feeling I get,I try to make the best out of: and try not to torture myself when I realize I've been bouncing around with feeling nothing to something; and try to view it as me merging again.

I'm not sure if any of that relates or helps, I'm sorry if it's a babble-- but know that many have struggles, it sucks, things we just don't understand all the time; and it's frustrating- it can be tiring; and some even feel defeated at times. However I hope everybody, in their time of needs finds at least one thing, one thing that is very deep inside that gives the the hope, the reminder, to keep on going.
Keep on trying, to keep on growing; because we were all flawed in our own ways, and we are all trying to live a life.

It took me years to believe in my energy thought (that we're all energy and sometimes I wonder if this nothing is me feeling just energy that I don't understand how to comprehend) but I have found it helps for me, I share that because-it's similar to what Little Earthquakes says-- and that's one thing I remember on one of the packets that group handed out, find something to believe in- and that can be so hard when life seems to continually shatters and shakes our brief system.

Many well thoughts