Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Thanks, TMC. I think he's just trying to be straightforward with me, like he promised to me, but it's also really difficult. Especially for him to tell me that right before he's going away, which I'm already struggling with (and he doesn't seem to understand why...). I really hope I can get him to understand and accept and validate the attachment stuff. Because I do like him as a T in many ways...but it's also a huge adjustment from MC to him (I know I should say from ex-T to him, but no, in reality, it's MC to him). And MC was/is bad for me in many ways. But he was (is?) also so accepting of me and my attachment and, until recently, any outside contact. And so I miss that. I miss the reassurance (even though...that was ultimately probably bad for me, too).
But like I said, I do want to make this work with T because I feel like he has the potential to really help me...but I also need to feel accepted and not shamed, no matter how attached I am. I need him to understand that I'm shifting from MC who, for several years, basically had no outside contact boundaries to someone who has fairly clear ones (though apparently not clear enough to me!) As much as T says I think about the relationship more than any other client...I know I need to talk about it more with him. Because I need to feel safe and secure with him (well, as safe and secure as I'm able to be...) to really do the work...
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I totally get your struggles with attachment. I’m there. I have a therapist with pretty tight boundaries- she is only available during office hours, and I am allowed to call her vm anytime, but she doesn’t reply or answer messages until she’s back in the office, which is only three days a week. That’s it. No email, no texts. That said, she does tell me some details about trips, and time away, but she says that’s because of the length of time I’ve been seeing her and my struggles.
Anyway, the point of me saying that is to hopefully show that I understand how hard it is. It can be devastating to never get a reply to my desperate vms, or have no way of contact. Yet on some level, it actually is healthier for me. I’ve had to learn to cope, and struggle. It’s not a lack of caring or concern on her part, it’s just boundaries. And the nice part about them is that it is consistent, even if I think they suck sometimes.
In moving from mc/ex-t you’ve learned and grown a great deal- or at least it seems so from your posts. But one thing I’ve seen come up as a theme is that you seem to want specific responses from people. If they don’t answer with the wording you like, you understandably get upset (as I would too) but then you will email/text/ask for a session until you get what you want. I don’t mean that in a harsh or uncaring way at all. It seems like language is really important for you and you are asking to get your needs met, which is great, but at the same time- life and people aren’t like that. I don’t think your T was trying to be uncaring or insensitive by his email. In his own way, in a style that he feels comfortable with, he was trying to reassure you. So for him, he really didn’t understand why you were so upset. Not because he lacks thoughtfulness or awareness, but because he acknowledged your concerns. It just wasn’t the exact answer you wanted. Maybe it’s something to think about?
Again, wishing you the best and not meaning to criticize at all.