Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats
I guess what I want to say, LT, is that I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Sure, at the end of the day, your T has to be clear about his feelings and boundaries, because the only way this really works is if the T's feelings and boundaries are condusive to it as well. (No T can or should force themselves to be comfortable with deep attachment work; it won't work.) It just hurts my heart, because I can't help but think how I'd feel if C said those things to me... and because I also know he wouldn't (or at least not most of them; he's told me I've frustrated him...actually, i think he said annoyed...I've definitely annoyed him, and that was really really hard for me) Anyways, point is that I know there are Ts who would absolutely do the kind of work with you that your'e looking for, so it hurts my heart for you some to see this T who I know you're already attached to maybe not knowing much about attachment work. I want a really really solid attachment work T for you, because I know that shame storm, and I also know it's undeserved -- your needs aren't shameful. Missing your T isn't shameful. Needing him isn't shameful. Reaching out and saying "please be there" isn't shameful or bad or wrong.
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Thanks, TMC. I definitely need to talk about this some more with him. In talking with someone else about it, I also mentioned the shame thing, and they asked if I'd specifically told him I felt shame when he said things like how I think about the relationship with him more than any of his other clients. And I realized I hadn't used that term with him. And I think I need to tell him that. I know the shame in part comes from some other place (see: childhood), but I also know that if I'm feeling that in therapy, it's going to make me hold back and not feel like I can be completely open with him.
I just feel like I need him to understand and validate those feelings. I don't think it's that hard to understand why a client who sees you weekly (or, lately, twice a week) would have issues with a T being away. I feel like when I talked about some of the attachment stuff with him a few weeks ago--when I sent him a long e-mail about it, and he said he'd rather talk in person--that he got it, and I felt like we could work together on this. But then...something about his going out of town triggered other stuff, and...honestly, the vast majority of the regular session Friday (that I never wrote up) was really good and helpful. It was just a thing or two at the end related to him going out of town (particularly his being evasive about why he was going--work or fun--or any suggestion of where--like West Coast? Africa?) upset me. And then there was his clueless response to my e-mail about that...
It's like I keep having doubts, then will be like, "OK, this can work," then will have doubts again. I don't know if that's part of me pushing through an insecure attachment, following an unhealthy attachment to MC, with someone who has a different style. Or if it means I'm with the wrong T.
I don't know...I feel like in some ways I need to work with a male to figure out this male authority figure stuff (plus I feel more comfortable talking to guys), but not that many are jumping out at me on the Psychology Today search (and I'm in an area with lots of T's, not like I'm in small-town Wyoming or something). There was one other guy I was considering at the time, but he's in practice with his wife (I think? Or sister, I guess?) and went to seminary, and I'm not religious, so... Do I try another female? Stick with current T for a bit and see?