Yes probably physically you’re showing everyone around you that you are well. The stereotypical person that has major MH issues....well they look like their about to lose it.
Either you are a well oiled machine or you have parts in you that are very well hidden. Those parts of you are reaching out for help, but maybe not hard enough.

I remember being very sick in my teens & early 20’s. I was sinking fast & knew that I needed help or I’d end up dead.
I specifically remember my mom asking me, “do you think you’re going to harm yourself?” I knew she was talking to a shrink. I wasn’t diagnosed.
I knew I could lie & just stay home & suffer, but for some reason I said yes, I’m going to harm myself bec somehow I knew there’d be help for me. I went into my first hospitalization. I was taken seriously.

You sound very serious DechanDawa & it’s time to reach further for help. You need to tell your T & pdoc that you have full plans. Now you might not, but they will take you seriously & get you the help you need even if that’s a hospitalization it gets you the attention that this deserves.
So please reach out further for help. Tell them just how serious this is!!
Please. Wish you the best outcome.