Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanycats
I guess what I want to say, LT, is that I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Sure, at the end of the day, your T has to be clear about his feelings and boundaries, because the only way this really works is if the T's feelings and boundaries are condusive to it as well. (No T can or should force themselves to be comfortable with deep attachment work; it won't work.) It just hurts my heart, because I can't help but think how I'd feel if C said those things to me... and because I also know he wouldn't (or at least not most of them; he's told me I've frustrated him...actually, i think he said annoyed...I've definitely annoyed him, and that was really really hard for me) Anyways, point is that I know there are Ts who would absolutely do the kind of work with you that your'e looking for, so it hurts my heart for you some to see this T who I know you're already attached to maybe not knowing much about attachment work. I want a really really solid attachment work T for you, because I know that shame storm, and I also know it's undeserved -- your needs aren't shameful. Missing your T isn't shameful. Needing him isn't shameful. Reaching out and saying "please be there" isn't shameful or bad or wrong.
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Thanks, TMC. I know it's hard to hear you've annoyed or frustrated a T, too--that's one thing that MC said on the phone call with H and me a month ago, that he had been frustrated with me (I think he was specifically referring to the previous phone call, the one where he said I needed to reduce contact). And he also said how my outside contact that week in December had "bothered" him, when is hadn't in the past. Which really upset me.
Thanks for your comments on my needs not being shameful. I just don't know if an attachment T is what I need...maybe it's what I feel I *want*, but I don't know if it's the best thing for me. I need someone who will help me to not need so much validation and reassurance from others, and I fear if I see a T who does give me a bunch of that, I'll just get...addicted seems an appropriate word, because that's how I felt regarding MC at times. Like sessions used to be enough, then I had to e-mail or text him to get another fix in between sessions. It felt good for a bit, but then it would fade...and if he didn't respond for a couple days, it was really difficult.
I really don't want that kind of dependence. But the problem is, right now, it's like I need to ease my way out of that. I want T to understand I need help and understanding--probably lots of help and understanding--to be less needy. I may need him to be willing to put up at times with, say, a midweek e-mail just saying, "Are you still there?" to which all he has to reply is "Yes, still here." Like only asking a few seconds of his time. I may need to send him periodic rambling e-mail of why i was upset from something that happened in session or why I'm worried about the relationship (and I'd be fine paying for responses). I want to know if I do that stuff, that it will be OK. And most importantly, that he gets *why* I need to do it.
OK, I'm totally rambling now, but also thinking out loud, so to speak. Trying to figure out what to tell him I need from him, so that I can then ask if he's willing to give it. I need patience and understanding and acceptance while I navigate therapy stuff right now. Maybe the occasional reassurance (even if more subtle than what MC would say). The question is, can he give me that?