Hello all!

Thank you for your kind words and honest perspectives.

I have one thing I am now feeling ashamed of. I was talking to an online counselor/therapist and she vaguely suggested I could ask the girl how she was feeling about school, etc.

I tried this, the first time the girl said she felt down but couldn't remember why, and that she didn't want to talk about it. I let it go the first time she didn't want to talk. The second time I was more persistent, asking if it was about the playground/classroom/teachers, and that I wouldn't be mad if she told me. Eventually she came out with the fact that she sad about the rules, when questioned a bit further she said the children going down the slide at the same time.

My fiance made me realize this is another OCD compulsion: the reassurance seeking that everything is okay and she's not hurt/tramautized by the above situation. I feel horrible that I did a compulsion that imposed on her rights to not have to talk about feelings, all for my selfish gain. My fiance told him either I would find out my anxieties are founded- I did abuse and emotionally affect her in the long term, or I would find there is is no evidence for any internal pain on her part. I feel so manipulative, bringing a four year old girl into this very sensitive issue. I fear I put words in her mouth.

These kinds of actions may confuse the girl, and put ideas in her head that are unrelated to her feelings. If the parents hear of it as well, it might be worriesome.

So I haven't done that again. But I feel horrible for selfishly using her for reassurance in that way. For putting words in her mouth.

She seems okay now: making new friends, playing with others, etc. And she seems quite comfortable with me and my co-teacher.

I'd like to think my actions of restraining her for trying to kick me of performing OCD's compulsion around her as an innocent child are deserving of forgiveness, and hopefully haven't affected her. I could be blowing this all out of proportion based on emotions alone.

Right now it's difficult for me to forgive myself, especially with the fact that I used a compulsion. Seems I keep finding something to feel guilty about. Maybe that's the OCD latching onto to something I feel uncertain about. I think guilt is also a huge part of OCD. Though normally thought based OCD doesn't involve external rituals. I feel so manipulative.

I won't be performing that ritual again, definitely not with her or any children.

Any thoughts are appreciated.