As stated, I'm an EMT-B in a small Midwestern city as well as a pre-med student with a concentrated interest in psych.

My parents already think I made a mistake by going into EMS. I really resent their attitude towards it, actually. My most significant struggles are anorexia and schizoaffective disorder, and I thought I was okay but maybe I'm just in denial. I don't know.

I am so tired of going through the motions of prehospital care. Don't ever believe someone who tells you they save lives in EMS. It's a lie. I feel like what I'm doing is basically pointless. Statistically, nearly every patient who I get ROSC back on ends up dying in the ICU from pneumonia anyway. The same heroin addicts need us to come Narcan them every single week. I see now how manipulative, selfish, and indifferent people can really be. I went into medicine to help people, but I'm just a punching bag, taxi driver, or undertaker depending on the shift.

It's probably also worth mentioning that a serious trauma anniversary is going to fall on the 9th of March and I have been dreading it for months. I'm scared this is all self-sabotage and I hate myself for it. I feel so paranoid all the time and I can't stop the worry that something terrible is going to happen. There have been a couple times where I don't even know if something is real or not. I don't know why this is happening to me. I go to therapy, take my meds, and do my best in work or school.

My ultimate fear is that I need to withdraw from school, put work on hold, and go back to IP. I obsess over suicide for hours a day and can't get over how stressed and empty I feel. I am eating less and less, and I'm feeling the effect.

I don't know what to do. If I do withdraw, my mom will be extremely disappointed in me, my dad may revoke my health insurance card, and I would be jeopardizing my future as a physician. I feel like this is rock bottom but I'm paralyzed.

Please help me. I feel like an incredible failure.