thanks ev, rap.
i'm not looking for any answers.... just had to get that out of me before it consumed me last night. intellectually i know i could not have done anything; we were 11 (his daughter 8), we were all drugged with something, and the brother was also there (my age, but "older" somehow). I do not remember what part he played in all that. I think writing it out helped me not continue to relive it behind my eyes like was happening when i started the post.
kiya