Thank you very much for reading, especially the thread in its entirety (!), your input and empathy.

Although I did not start the thread, nor state in the opening post about the topic of "whether or not she only used me and did so without any feelings," the aforesaid topic seems to be discussed throughout the thread. With that said, I think that I both acknowledged and accepted that I was used (and, maybe, even abused.) If I did not mention that, I am and have been of the perspective that I was indeed used (and, probably, abused.)

A source of inner conflict for me, whether it is cognitive dissonance, some other internal clash or not, is that I was in love with this woman, despite her using me. Moreover, when she became increasingly blatant in using me and in revealing how she was in general, I was so intimately and intensely in love with her and she allegedly with me. Additionally, at that point in history, she was also engaging in psychological manipulation such as gaslighting, silent treatment and more. Thus, what was once an intimate and intense bond most likely became a traumatic bond for me. I simultaneously loved her, wanted and willed to be with her, yet I acknowledged and accepted that she was using me.

With that said, I was not willing, nor wanting to walk away, give up or another option. I was wanting and willing to reconcile through change and changing the present during that period of history. As I said, I was of the perspective that communication, maybe, would have served as the means to change towards reconciliation. If so, then, we would, perhaps, reconcile. As I mentioned in earlier posts, as history continued to unfold, I became increasingly ambivalent and unwilling to continue to let her use (and abuse me,) but I did not stop loving her, nor wanting to be with her and so on. The two perspectives were simultaneous and continuously held as history continued to unfold.

The question for me has been whether or not she strictly used me or if she did so and was (is) in love with me (or had and has any feelings for me.)

I've been trying to increase my understanding through learning about what you are saying. Additionally, I've been attempting to take the "blinders off" as you stated.

Thank you.




Thanks much again for your support and opinions and continuing to read.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested to me that she was always of the opinion that I would always pay and that she was never going to pay, but would appear as if she would, regardless of the loan. Whether or not his suggestion was accurate, inaccurate or accurate to a degree, it's still feasible that she did as he suggested.

I don't disagree. While we were still in the states before we left for the UK and while in the UK, the monetary figure from the disbursement of the loan to to pay for tuition that she told me would have been enough with my personal savings to pay for our stay and the various expenses; however, the monetary figure is based on if she was honest and accuracy in the amount of money. Additionally, we planned to work in order to have income and a source of money. Unfortunately, the student UK VISA limits a maximum of 20 hours of work per week (part time.) Even so, income, especially two incomes, would have financially assisted us.

EDIT:

I failed to also originally include pertinent and, perhaps, important note about how she changed her perspective several times in regards to my finances and our plan for finances when I was broke. She initially claimed that I was "a liar," "sabotaging" her, trying to "control" her and more. Mind you, I was the one, who stated the word "sabotage" in earlier discussion with her when we were talking about finances. She seemed to reuse my language and thoughts and project them unto me. I digress.

After how ever much time (day or days,) she then changed her perspective about my finances as "we could have found means to stay" as in miraculously "finding" money, finding people as sources for funds, and/or in reference to cosigning the loan.

Later, she changed her perspective in regards to finances as "well, when you paid for my VISA and airfare, I thought that you were going to just pay for everything." So, our plan and agreement that we established before we left for London were not longer part of history for her when she said the aforesaid perspective. It was as if I was merely going to pay for all and everything and that she did no need to worry and/or pay for anything.

There were at least three different perspectives of hers in regards to our finances in general and the depletion of my personal savings.

Also:
(there's also a story about how she seemed to have this fantasy that we were going to travel to numerous countries, despite having a limited budget and so forth. She did not reveal this "fantasy" to me until after I had no money. I forget whether she initially told me about traveling before she dumped me or not.)

(During the post breakup period of history, especially starting two weeks before Christmas just as I was nearing to leave, she additionally started to contradict her statements and/or tell me contrary statements to me with high frequency. Whether it was during the same day, one day to the next and so on, I had so much trouble attempting to mentally keep track of her statements, perspectives and so forth as I attempted to organize her views in general and in an effort to respond to them coherently... evidently, that seems to be another exhibit of manipulation.)


Thanks again for continuing to post, your support and thoughts.

Haha, I suppose that is one "good thing about people," although, for me, she did no reveal herself to be how she was in general until well after being in love, bonding (and, maybe, traumatic bonding,) silent treatment and so on. With that said, "relationships run as the two parties act and accept" as you stated. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, I allowed her to use (and abuse) me and to both dictate and control the terms of both communication and interaction. Consequently, I accepted her terms, her using (and abusing) me and so on.

For me, it is kind of scary how love did and can in general alter consciousness and obscure judging objectively, without (or minimum) bias and so forth, especially when the other person with whom I was in love was appearing and telling me that she was in love with me as well, missed me, wanted to be with me and more. Regardless, I am responsible for allowing and accepting how the relationship "ran" as you phrased it and not changing it. I wish that I did not do as I did and that I attempted to "turn the tide" well before we stopped talking.

Yeah, I will try to find someone whom you described. Thank you very much again for your help, which you (and others) are greatly.

hahaha, it's "political communication" or approximately that.