When we got together everything seemed perfect, I felt like its my first relationships where I am truly happy.
We started to live together, we got engaged, we were so sure about us.
My bf has always been jealous, he asked me to delete all pics where are any of my ex. He did the same. It seemed right.
One day he was stalking me, he cracked my accounts and even got my deleted files and find out shameful things, really personal with my ex. He sent me this. I felt like its over. I couldnt accept it happened, I wanted to cut myself but didnt but I couldnt get over it. I cried everyday, started to take really high doses of opiates and benzos (sometimes with alcohol). Best friend told me-leave him. I said I cant I love him. I tried to forgive him but he started to ask me about those things, we had many conflicts and I was totally broken and couldnt accept that all my dreams are killed.
I was addicted to drugs, it stopped to help me and I took them to survive knowing one day I may not wake up.
Then I was hospitalized. I dont remember first week and all memories are blurred, I had abstinence, I looked like walking dead but I still believed that everything will be okay, my bf sweared he will change himself.
I got home free from opiates addiction but doc told me to go to free therapies there in hospital because I was on 8 meds and was instable.
When I got home my bf and I said its our new start and past is erased. I felt so happy and free, my mind was so clear.
After two weeks he hurt me again so much that I took my things and left his home.
I came to hospital nurse, cried hard and prayed for pills, she was mad, gave me xanax, took my hand and lead me doc. He was mad at my bf because I had nervous breakdown, I said I want to die and all my dreams are crushed and I just cant get over it. He told he should put me in psych ward and I said please no, I wont kill myself. He said- everything is in vain, I feel hopeless that I cant save you. I said - maybe hug could help. He hugged so quickly that I was in little shock and pressed me close to him. He told me to drive to my parents, not to see my bf and come next day.
When I came he was away and I started to cry. Nurses called him and he drove to hospital.
Next week I said I feel attached to him, he said we can meet everyday if I need this.
My attachment became sexual, I craved for hugs and we started to talk about other things not about my health. After all I started to feel like we are friends and felt good with him.
Then my free therapies was over and I knew I couldnt see him everyday and then I cut myself and came to him, sat on his table and I dont remember anything except that he rejected me. I wanted to die.
I still met my bf and felt restless because of splitted feelings.
I saw my doc once a week, he said I dont love my bf. everything was the same but I realised Im longing for my doc not bf. I told him I would like to sleep with him. He said that he could lose his job even for just hugging me. He started to act paranoid, told me to not come at daytime when there are nurses etc but we still had friendly comunication and I said that I feel always better when I see him. He said its okay that it helps me.
I felt confused about my feelings but I knew I cant be with my doc so I should save my relationship with my bf. It became better, I started to believe we got over our dark period and were planning our future.
Then again he hurt me very much and I almost left him.

I just dont know what to do. I dont know what I feel. I loved him but when someone hurts you so often you build a wall to protect yourself. I forgave him because I just cant be mad when I see him.
I dont feel okay. I ask myself everyday what do I feel but cant find an answer..