I am thankful for what I do have in my life. There is my daughter, her caring mother, a new (but older) car, my son-in-law is tiling my house, and as long as I watch my spending, I am doing not good, but still financially manageable. This financial picture of mine is *much* better than the not too distant past. I have new glasses that I can see better with. My unstable next door neighbor who had been treating me very poorly in a mean and sometimes volitile way started to behave himself when my step-son had a talk with him. Now that long standing problem with him has apparently gone away. I am crossing my fingers and throwing salt over my left shoulder that this continues.

Half a year later, I am just beginning to miss my mother. She passed back then with advanced stages of dementia, suffering from emotional angry outbursts and psychosis. I guess I have been numb all this time. Perhaps I was better prepared for her passing than I thought I was? I do not know. I was so overwhelmed taking care of my mother that I spent much of my time suffering from extreme depression. As a consequence, even though I did my best, I treated her poorly near the end. I simply was not able to deal with this. It was all out of control. I was the only one taking care of her 24/7 for over three years. I remember losing it and spanking her due to her sitting down on me with a shyt ladened butt. I feel so guilty and I am not able to forgive myself. I guess I am no caretaker. However, after this had happened, I am glad I was able to find her a nice place to live the last couple months of her life. This meant allot to me.