Background:
My 29 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety and PTSD. It explains why she has never been able to hold a job, have a long lasting relationship and can't seem to be an independent adult. Over the years her Dad and I have been so upset with her thinking she was rebellious, lazy and immature. Why couldn't she just do what she was suppose to do.

Over the years she has two failed marriages and has one child from each marriage. They are back again, living with us because she couldn't get it together to pay her rent on time and was locked out of an apartment and then bounced from friend to friends house until she ran out of friends who would have them. So they ended up back with us.

She has only been out of our house maybe a total of 2 years of her 29 year old life. She has been back with us since November of 2017 this time and I saw real progress. She was kinder to us, more appreciative of what we do for them and she talked about really wanting to get better and it seemed she was really trying. So we got her to a Naturopathic Dr. she insisted on. She wouldn't go to a regular Dr. She has no insurance so it is all on our dime.

We are elderly and my husband needs to retire end of this year, but he feels he can't now with our daughter and the grand kids back again. So this is both a financial strain and an emotional strain on us.

Problem:
So I said all that so you would understand what I am about to ask. Our daughter was almost back to sleeping normal hours. She usually stays up all night and sleeps all day which puts strain on me to be the only adult care for the kids. Getting the older one to school and picking her up and all the meals etc. With our daughter sleeping all day she avoids all responsibility with her kids and doesn't spend much time with them. In fact she avoids all responsibility when she is up at night and sleeps during the day. She doens't have to deal with people either. I get stressed and overwhelmed being mom to the grandkids. I love the grandkids but they also have ADHD! Ages 7 and 4. The 4 year old boy has anger issues too.

Like I said she was almost back to normal hours and I don't know what happened. She said she couldn't sleep one night and the next thing you know her hours are all backwards again. So I asked her this morning as she was going to bed if there was anything I could do to help her in any way. Her answer was “No not that I know of, when I am out of it I am out of it.” I asked her if she was taking her medication when she was up at night She said “No, I don't remember to take it and I am almost out anyway and we can't get anymore.” Her attitude was what's the use, you can't afford to get me more anyway.

Now this is the thing. She is getting over $6000 tax refund. It seems to me that if she was sincere in getting better she would take some of the money and pay for the medical care she needs. But she is at home with Mom and Dad and she thinks we should cover that expense for her, after all we are her parents! She has never been good with money. I suggested she use some of this money for medication for herself and she got very upset I would mention it. She plans on getting herself new furniture for her room we are clearing out for her use. And makeup and clothes! I am sorry but I am very upset about that. She knows we can't afford her medical care especially when she had no insurance. We are doing all we can to help. Giving up a room in our little home for them and paying for what we can for them to live with us.

She won't work because the Dr said she was too stressed and needed to recover first. So she is doing that but if she won't take her meds she will recover so much slower. She doesn't do anything around the house to help either. This has been her behavior all these years whenever she was living at home. Generally not working and not helping around the house either.

So I don't know if I should be showing tough love and just not do her laundry and stop helping her. Or if this is really part of her mental issues and I need to be more patient and continue doing everything for her. She has always been a manipulator for getting what she wants and it doesn't help that as her parents we feel badly for what she is going through and tend to give in to her.

I just don't know what to do! Be firm, wake her up earlier in the day so she can get her hours switched around, don't do her laundry and when it piles up in the bathroom just throw it in the garage in a tub, etc? I just don't know how to handle this. It has been 10 years of her adult life dealing with her not doing what normal adults do. Its like having a forever 14 year old! Sorry I am just so frustrated!

Any insight is greatly appreciated!