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Originally Posted by Talthybius
I understand that you never met them, and indeed, I agree with your, and others, point there.
I have never contacted my best friend's girlfriend. The other way around, I never really had a girlfriend so I never had to think about their friends.
I doubt I would really do it? I might consider it is I am concerned that I am not connecting with her friends? I doubt it. In my mind, how would my GF think more highly of me when I connect her friends? No, I can never see myself do that. I can see myself thinking I need to become friends with their friends, at least a little bit. I mean, it is how two couples develop this kind of couple friendship. But then both need to be taken. Otherwise, you have this strange triangle, and you are the third wheel. Which would make it odd.
Surely, most men would want to be on good terms with their wife or girlfriend's female friends. I think most men think, wrongly or rightly, that this is an important criteria to meet. That her girlfriends approve of you.
But surely, the female partner here is the one who ought to control all this. If she knows nothing about this (and I think here we don't know for sure but we can assume she probably doesn't), then that is indeed kind of controlling.
Why wouldn't it be caused by insecurity? Or just something with no thought behind it (in the second Facebook case?). I mean, this whole idea that they saw your picture and that they now lost their minds, really?
I think I would bring it up, casually. Not expressing all your concerns. See how they respond to it. If this would worry them, they would want to know. And you wouldn't want to keep a secret from them. Even though you just reconnected. I guess it can be kind of tricky if they have been together for years, and now you come along and cause a problem in their relationship, if that is really what it is.
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You make some really good points here and I thank you for your insight from the male perspective, but I can tell that you agree that it is up to my friends to introduce me to their partners, not for their partners to take it upon themselves to interject in our new found friendship. I think I will bring it up, the more that I think of it, with each of them separately, in a nice, calm innocent way. Also, the fact that Friend 1 hasn't returned any of my calls since her boyfriend reached out to me and I never called him back, concerns me a little. But you know what? That's my friends' relationships, and I left their lives years ago, and they have current men in their lives now, so I can't push the issue with either one of them if they want to continue to reconnect. It is, in fact, very tricky in a way.
I understand you saying there could be no thought behind it, and it could be innocent, but again, put yourself where I am at. What if your girlfriend decided that she was going to flat out reach out to your male friends. I mean EVEN if you told her it was okay, (which by the way you not warning your male friends that she will contact them is a red flag in itself). I mean what would go through your mind? I mean I understand there is some missing information here on whether or not my friends know their partners contacted me, and I plan on remedying that soon. Answers are coming!
Oh, and to say that men haven't gone crazy by seeing a woman's picture and getting all riled up about them, is kind of a blanket statement and assumption, because I have known that to happen to me plenty of times before. I understand that as a man, you might not be that way, but every man is different as I am sure you know.
Also, I don't really see where the other posters were man-bashing either, I mean I DID understand that I let it slide that I hadn't included the fact that these guys could, in fact, be innocent in all of this, but honestly, that really feels naïve of me to believe such a thing, especially based on my experiences.
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Originally Posted by seesaw
When I spoke of my partner's friends I meant both male and female, so there was no negativity about men included.
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Yes, I agree, you expressed your views based on your experiences and they were of sound mind and helpful to me. Again, thank you.
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Originally Posted by prefabsprout
Yeah that is very strange. Partners normally get introduced by the by, not like this. I have never encountered this kind of behaviour.
It sounds like possibly controlling behaviour. I would keep your distance from the partners but keep up with your friends as it sounds like they are good friends. If you accept the friend request then maybe change settings to limit what they see.
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Thank you so much prefab! I thought a lot about it too, and you're right, it feels really strange to me, indeed. I have every intention of keeping my distance from their partners, but the more I write and talk about it, it may not be up to me in a way. Like I mentioned, I am coming in to their lives after years of being absent, so that could cause some concern with their partners and curiosity about me and who I am, but they went about it the wrong way, and it could also very well be that they are controlling. So there are so many factors here that I need to work out, and figure out whether or not I am going to move forward in reconnecting with my friends.
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Originally Posted by divine1966
I don’t see anyone having negative opinion of men at all. In fact there is nothing in this thread specifically about men versus women, just about odd behaviors. Could be men or women.
In my examples those people who inappropriately hit on me were men so my examples were about men. If they were women, examples would be about women.
I personally have no reservations about men whatsoever, in my long life I’ve met a lot of men but brought examples of only two behaving oddly so not sure what you mean by reservations. Hm. My husband certainly would not call someone he never met and ask to meet them just because I know the person. In fact none of the men in my family or friends would do such a thing. So clearly such behaviors have nothing to do with being men.
I wonder why you took this thread personally and assumed this is a generalization about men? It’s not the first time you do that. Is that something you might want to address with your therapist? Worrying that if someone knows some inappropriate man, it might reflect on
you?
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I agree on this point, and maybe he has made assumptions about the generalization of men on this particular thread, BUT I do acknowledge the fact that it could be possible, (as in the facebook thing), that it was innocent. I mean in my heart of hearts and in all my experience I really think that's not the case, and the behavior is very odd, I mean that's why I created this thread. But you know stranger things have happened, and I don't want to rule out any possibility, till I know more, which I am planning on finding out.
But it was good of you to notice that people posting on threads may make it all about them, or their situations in relation to the subject at hand, so it is a good suggestion that maybe that it could be better worked out in therapy. It is absolutely true that people post based on their experiences and their own opinions, good or bad, but truth be told, I just appreciate any insight they can give.
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Originally Posted by healingme4me
I'm not male bashing, either. Just because I can get an uncomfortable feeling at the idea of relationship control flags doesn't mean that All are like that.
Plus, I've been in a precarious situation with a partner before. Started hounding me about a female coworkers kind comment on my social media picture years ago....
Which some might start befriending friends for "monitoring"...
Why is this turning into more than what the OP asked?
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Haha, always the voice of reason sometimes that pop out of nowhere, right???!! I DID notice the subject of this thread took a bit of a turn from what I had originally posted, and it was really nice of you to point that out for me. But you know what, things like this do tend to bring up the whole women/men debate in relationships, so honestly it was to be expected. I have read a lot of threads over the years in this Relationship Section and I will admit that sometimes I feel that men are getting the shorter end of the stick. BUT, I am not a pushover at all, I know that sometimes they can be dead wrong in a situation, but I always like to keep an open mind. Having a dialogue is so important, for both men and women, and even if you don't agree with a male or female's point of view, doesn't make you wrong either, OR in the other case, ALL about YOU as well.
But I appreciate your perspective and sharing your experience with me. It could be very well be a case of "friend monitoring" as well. Very good point!
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv
There are unspoken rules and both these partners broke them.
The first one who called independent of his wife is just never done by anyone I’ve ever known. I can’t even speculate why he did that. I would tell my friend that her SO called me, just so she’d know, and that you never called him back.
The second one who friend requested you, before ever even meeting you in person, is really strange, too...just not done. My h does have my female friends as his facebook friends, but it was after he got to know them, and felt like it was ok. I’m not sure who friended who, and it was totally fine with me. I didn’t think anyone was inappropriate in that. I also think my h friended them in order to see more of what goes on with me, my posts, etc...
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Very good points!!! There are unspoken rules in relationships when it comes to outside freindships, isn't there? I mean like it seems to be more about boundaries in their relationships than anything else. Thank you for your suggestions, and insight based on your experiences. I mean I would love to call Friend 1 and ask innocently about her boyfriend's call to me, but you know she hasn't even called me back, so honestly it may be out my hands on that one. I don't have any say in what goes on in her relationship, so all I can do it wait till she responds. It may be a shame that I might have lost my friend, due to the fact that her boyfriend is controlling, but it is up to my friend to make the decision for herself of whether or not she wants to be my friend.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is, that I can't FORCE myself on either of my friends, because their partners have reached out to me, and I ignored them. Their partners have no bearing on whether or not I want to keep these freindships going, but if my friends let their partners decide who they can and cannot talk to, I think it's pretty much out of my hands. I am the one going out on a limb here, so reaching out is all I can do.
Thanks again for all the wonderful, helpful replies!!
