Well I did not call my old t nor did I go for my blood work. I had to lay down, could not keep my eyes open any longer.

It was not a peaceful sleep but still some rest must be good--right?? Tears are forming constantly and I hate myself more and more for this. How can I be so spinlessly cowardly and pathetic. Why can't I just let this go? Why can't I be strong and forget?

My stomach hurts so badly. Feels like its in knots as I can't think clearly. Turmoil and confusion take over this child-like adult. And I just remember......it won't leave my mind. I keep thinking about the past, remembering so many times I fantasized about grabbing the closest knife and shoving through my throat. (I am so sorry for the descriptions). During these "temper tantrums" that my father had, this is what I thought about to get by until he was done with his anger. I still held this dream when my husband whipped me across the legs with hard plastic, or threw my posessions that I held dear clear across the room smacking me as I many times felt the blood trickle down my face............and I still imagined the knife.............

So what is with all of this? What and why am I going insane with all of this at once? It seems like it has all hit me, all of these memories at once......aaaaaaahhhhhhh, turn my fricking head off!!! I just don't get it.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic display here. I am sorry for this suck attack....I just need to get over it. It is over and that is that.

Justy