Quote:
Originally Posted by Talthybius
I think this is normal for many people in medicine. This definitely was one of the reasons why I never considered this career. I cannot imagine how it is to work in a hospital, where misery is all around you. Obviously, many people who work there don't see it that way. They see only their impact on other people. Surely health care isn't pointless. Yes, in the end we all suffer from the human condition and we all die when our bodies fail us. But that doesn't mean nurses and doctors don't do excellent work and really improve everything we have to go through in life. You shouldn't be this cynical about everything. You are actually helping people.
I suggest you try to talk with professionals about how they deal with this and what advice they have for you. This should be part of the education track. Some people definitely just toughen it out. Others switch careers. I don't know the details of the US premed track. So you are actually in a nursing programme? There are always more options. I don't know your parents but if they are reasonable why would they oppose you changing your career path? I would understand they wouldn't be happy to see you give up completely. But it isn't that black and white, right?
|
I'm double majoring in biology and psychology, and I attend a school with a very competitive program for early acceptance into some of the top medical schools in the country.
I'm an EMT right now--I don't know if they're called something different where you are from, but I drive ambulances and provide basic life support and pre-hospital care (intubations, emergency medications, ventilation, vital signs, etc.) All of my coworkers are as miserable as I am. We swap halfhearted suicide jokes constantly.
The thing is, I want to be a doctor. I want it like I want air to breathe. I've had my heart set on it since I was 15. I used to love being an EMT, too. I don't know what happened. I'm not angry at my job or my patients. I'm angry at myself for being too weak to follow through with this.
I am afraid I might be relapsing. I know I am in a horrible place right now. I have been breaking down and sobbing several times a day every day. I haven't slept in almost 48 hours. I'm avoiding my homework and thinking about quitting my job. I feel like I am being watched constantly by the police and I've had several visual hallucinations today for the first time in three years. God, I feel repulsed by myself for admitting that. I have been reading the toxicology sections in my textbooks over and over while fantasizing about overdosing on each drug. The upcoming anniversary is one of my r*pes, and I have just completely given up and become completely hypersexual again in order to punish myself. I haven't eaten anything but protein bars and Diet Coke in days.
I don't deserve to have the opportunities I do, so it makes me feel even more ungrateful to think about giving it all up. I feel that forfeiting my early selection to med school would ruin what's left of my life. My parents will be so angry and disappointed if I withdraw to go get help. I am genuinely afraid I'm going to die. Having another psychotic episode would f***ing break me.
Sorry for vent. When I got diagnosed with SZA my caseworker suggested that I look into disability. I refused, and now to consider tossing everything I have in the trash is beyond painful. I feel like I'm going to become my schizophrenic grandmother: a burden on the system and everyone around me while spending my whole life wishing I was dead.
I have nothing left inside me right now. Where do I possibly go from here.