My friend, SLEEP! I know you don't want to do this anymore, who would? You're probably in a hotel, hang the do not disturb sign, you really need to sleep. You're a good man who needs some help. You aren't the first and won't be the last.

Your life isn't screwed up as badly as you think. How many times have I scraped myself off the floor? Lost count long ago. I'm still here though and damn it I'm gonna do it again. Oh, it's gonna work. AHHHH! They can't stop me, I can't even stop myself! Just a joke (but really, I won't stop) .

Blues, this isn't it. I struggle to relate to the people around me too. I think every doctor I've seen is an idiot too. They've thrown out diagnoses all over the board. I realize now though that I've never really been honest with them. It's true you can't trust em all though but damn it I'll find the one I can trust. You can too.

Sleep it off brother. Then go get some Aleve, a Redbull, and a nasty fast food combo meal riddled with fat (trust me, it helps). Then call someone when you are feeling better (you can, trust me, I've lain in hotels and crushed myself for days, courage is our defining charecteristic, I know you have it).

I realize my response is coming about 18 hours later but I'm guessing you may have jumped back into the bottle again. I speak from experience and you aren't experiencing anything new to the human condition. You are obviously very intelligent. A greater intellect turned on itself can only be that much more devestating. Trust us though, you will survive this and have that much more to offer for it.

Stay strong brother and keep us posted. You CAN do this and gain that much more strength to help others for having done it.