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Originally Posted by PsychohcysP
Thank you for that, I'll try to reach out for some help there.
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Np!
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In short, I think the process started when I eventually went to the psychotherapist, "forced" by my pdoc. I really didn't want to go there but after 2 years or so, I finally gave in.
When I started the therapy, I was in the state of the emotional void, I couldn't remember last time I was happy. I didn't care so much that I didn't even have energy for being sad anymore. I didn't have any emotions. I was just wondering how I would like to die.
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Interesting. I also didn't really have much emotion, I was just motivated for a few things and I ignored everything else. But at one point I couldn't continue to ignore things. So... I relate to you with the lack of emotional stuff but I didn't notice me not being happy or anything like that, probably because I still kept some stuff I was interested in. But I just didn't notice I wasn't happy or involved about the rest of the world.
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The therapy itself was awful. After each session I felt like a wreck. It was also the worst time in my depression, I started having psychotic episodes, if it can be called like that - I couldn't distinct reality from fiction, I didn't know if something really happened or if it was only my imagination etc. I was put on antipsychotics for a while. The therapy was so painful, that I couldn't stand it any longer, I couldn't see any results so I thanked the therapist and pretended I'm miraculously healed.
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Oh yeah, I read that when you break out of the no-emotion state, it'll be painful like that. I experienced it myself, I think.
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But after some time I could observe that I in fact started feeling something, there were some tiny emotions. Sadness, anger - it was there, there wasn't only the void. Now I can see that the therapy helped to "unlock" the emotions, and the annoying questions about completely unrelated (as I thought then) subjects might have had some point.
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It's cool. So the therapy helped by making you think about certain sensitive/triggering topics that made you access your emotions eventually?
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The most important factor was the chance of the environment, I moved to another country to study. First of all - I don't see the places which the bad memories are related to. I stopped seeing some people I didn't wish to see. However, what I personally think is the most crucial is a different culture. My previous country was very hierarchical, life was very stressful, hectic, nothing what I used to do was good enough. People were always in hurry, cursing and judging each other.
Now I live in a Scandinavian country where life is based on mutual respect, smile and respect to the privacy. The first year was very difficult of course. My family and the pdoc had doubts whether it was the right time for such choice. I didn't like my first school and I couldn't socialise with people there. I had 2 good friends though and they made it better. I dropped out after one year and started from scratch at another university. And here I am - after some time, I stopped for a moment and realised that I really like my life, that I don't have any urge for drugs, nor temptation to the self harm. I finally felt healthy! I am really fine with my life now, I like it. Recently I even started socialising more and now I really feel that I live.
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I'm glad it's worked out for you.
