Well... I don't know if you're seeing a counselor or a therapist of some sort. But I really think this is what you need to be doing. You have a lot of very troublesome thoughts rumbling around in your mind. And my personal opinion, at least, is that the best way... perhaps the only way... to sort all of this out, & figure out how to deal with it, is to talk it through with a skilled mental health professional... preferably one who has experience working with sexuality issues.

We here on PC want to be, & try to be, as supportive as possible. So I hope you do keep posting. But realistically I doubt there's going to be anything specific we can suggest that is going to resolve these problems for you. This is something you need to deal with, in real life, with a mental health professional. My best wishes to you...