Hey Mayam...I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents...first of all, I see that you care ALOT about the way other people feel and you bend over backwards to try and make others happy...but this is to your detriment. It hurts you and make you question yourself. This is a bad spiral. I know from personal experience. I had to hit rock bottom and then 3 floors under before I could start to climb up again. It hurts and it feels so isolating and cold and you have only you and your self recriminations running thru your head. It makes you wish you weren't here...

My advice: you need to look at yourself in a new light...just put your self where a person you helped and would give the shirt off your back to...what does it feel like to do something for yourself??? it is an amazing feeling once you do soemthing totally selfish...even if it is splurging and eating a banana split for breakfast on a day off...go get a pedicure, it feels awesome...buy yourself a magazine. and perna is right, a library is fun or even barnes and noble...As far as the girl, if you can, just think of her as a friend, be cordial, but put yourself first...if she reaches out then you can decide, take your power back and give it to yourself...you owe it to you...and when the time is right, the right one will come along and you will think that all this has happened to give you some perspective and learning that is the foundation to your future...we are here to learn and it may feel as if the end of the world would be better, or locking yourself in your house and sinking thru the floor would help all around you, but it doesnt...

I too have swung into insomnia again. i dont like taking the sleeping pills so i have been staying up till the wee hours of the morning. i am sorry i wrote a long reply, lol i have some time on my hands...take care...and remember NO is the MOST important word in the dictionary. melanie