Today my mom, stepdad and I went to the **** Estate to tour the house and grounds, etc. It was a two-hour drive to get there. Then we got there and we toured the house for like 2 hours.

When we got there I knew I was in for trouble because I have such severe anxiety and social anxiety and there were just so many people, I knew that at a certain point I was going to reach my limit. Well.we finished touring the house and have lunch and then I bought some.chocolates and then it hit just like that..limit reached. I could feel it because I had to check.myself so I didn't entirely meltdown in public or lash out at my mom.or stepdad.

They went to walk in the garden and I told them I was just going to sit on a bench. I felt so awful. I have never felt so lonely. I spend time alone all the time but never feel.lonely. Being around so many people who were with their families and husbands and boyfriends and happy spending time together and I was just by myself, it also made me super depressed and I just couldn't even function anymore.

They take a picture of you in the house, like force it on you, and I don't like having my picture taken because I'm so fat, and then they forced me to look at it (literally, I avoided the stand and they brought the.pic to me even though I said twice I didn't even want to see it)...I just melted down so badly. I didn't take it out on anyone, but I shut down for sure.

We were going to go to the winery for the wine tasting but I said I would just sit in the car while they went in if they wanted to go. I felt bad but I couldn't take anymore. I was fine sitting in the car. I may even have gone in eventually after getting a break. But they decided that we should all just go home.

I feel bad but it was a long day and I have limits. Also, I know that if I had pushed myself any further I would have had an episode.

But now I'm also super.depressed because I thought I was making progress and I see I can't even handle a few hours touring a house. And I see how fat and ugly and old I am and I'm alone and probably will be forever. I really feel just so depressed right now. Even a little suicidal. Not totally just kinda feeling like "what's the point? My life has always been and will only be miserable."

Just super low right now.