I've been contributing to Sky's healthy eating thread (in order not to highjack the thread I started this one) since it began. Contributing...but not really trying.

Walking through Wal-Mart today I saw an elliptical machine. It occurred to me that instead of getting something like that with the money my in-laws gave me for Christmas...I frittered it. I was so angry with myself.

That money is gone. I've accepted that. However, when we get out tax return, I am buying a treadmill...or an elliptical. Yes, there are other things that we need to spend money on...but this is important too. I'll have to live with the guilt of spending money on something not "important" in my opinion.

Tonight I realized, WHAT AM I DOING!? Just as others here are killing themselves by NOT eating. I am KILLING myself by eating. For weeks, no months, I have felt out of control. NO MORE!

I am starting my diet. Tonight. I am going to go through my pantry tomorrow and throw out everything I shouldn't have. Actually, I'll send it to my mom's house or give it away. I hate throwing away usable food. So many don't have enough to eat. I am going to get ziplocs and put the food I do keep in portions. Ready to grab and eat.

I am going to talk with my mom (we grocery shop together and we cook/eat together). I am going to tell her I can't continue to cook for my dad (he works hard and wants "real food" when he gets home) and do this. She'll help me...I know she will. Whether we grocery shop and split food or what, I don't know.

I don't want her to have to pay for the more expensive "nutritious" food--they help us so much already. I don't have the money to get it. I can barely pay my bills. Maybe I will look into food stamps. Since I am barely working now...and with the article in the paper saying they're cutting more jobs in my district...we should qualify. I will have to just swallow my overdone pride and use the resources available to me.