@skeezsky,
Thank you for the links and Info. I checked it out and it is very very helpful. I am trying to keep my head above water and stay strong and sane for those I love. I don't want this to affect them anymore. Not trying to feel sorry for myself, Shame is just a very difficult emotion to work through.

@21SAB,
Thanks for the motivation. I have stopped the behavioir but it seems that some of my friends have reached out to my parents and it's like the wound being reopen all over again. Its hard not to punish myself for the last few months. I've felt insane and not all there. And yet totally normal.
I also don't know what quote that is at the end of your post lol what TV show is that from??

@bizi
Thank you for your reply. I have seen some of your posts and know you have a lot of your own struggles. I have seen so much support from strangers and its been so wonderful.....truly I don't have this support in my physical life because nobody has had to deal with a mental illness and therefore does not understand it. Hell I don't understand it. I start testing today on the afternoon. I'm scared but also really feel like I need some sort of answers.