Hey everyone,

I think I am seriously at a point where I just don't care about trying to fight this bipolar crap I deal with. I was COMPLETELY thrown out of the small amount of balance I was able to maintain, for the short time that it was there. It's now 12:03pm and I haven't slept all night, and you know what? I DON"T *&^%&** CARE! I am like so done, so done with trying to improve my sleeping schedule, so done with even taking care of myself because I just don't care.

The scariest part about all of this is, I don't even feel bad about it. Throwing up my hands in surrender and just letting whatever this is, (most likely it is total mania, I get it), take me over and if it has to, just carry me straight into the hospital again. I don't want to call my pdoc because I don't want to hear anything he has to say, and honestly I am probably going to double-talk my way out of that whole conversation anyway.

I REALLY, REALLY want to see my therapist though, and my luck in life is I wasn't able to get an appointment till tomorrow, and I WISH TO GOD it could have been today. Of all the times in my life I NEEDED my therapist, its right now, and I know calling his office is going to lead to a transfer straight to his voicemail, (I kinda think the receptionists don't even try anymore), and honestly, he never gets it anyway. Lord knows why they haven't fixed that damn thing yet. He doesn't have an email either, because as you guys probably know by now, I LOVE to write, and a 10-page email would have TOTALLY been watiing for him this morning.

I am actaully laughing to myself right now, because the irony of this whole epic slide backwards was my attempt to go out there and increase my social circle by reconnecting with friends. I have been getting completely BADGERED for so many damn years, by therapists, doctors, and even my family to make friends and get out more because "it would be good for me and it will enrich my life."

Well guess what? The good intentions and probable sense behind that advice may land me straight back in the psych ward and completely ERASE all the progres I have made, (or I thought I made).

So forgive me if I sit here with my middle finger straight up.

Sigh, to the power of infinity........