I've been substituting the draw of smoke from cigarettes into my lungs (I haven't smoked a cig or taken nicotine for over 2 years), with the draw of marijuana from my pipe. I finally realized this was a tail end of my decades long cigarette addiction, enjoying that feeling of pulling smoke into my lungs. Plus I was using cannabis to numb my thoughts and forget about all my problems but it doesn't really work. The problems are still there.

The hardest time for me is in the morning and today I resisted and did not reach for my pipe so far... I'm taking it one day at a time. Just want to be real and not fuzzy headed.

I stopped seeing my T a few years ago when she wanted the contact information of various people including a neighbour because, in her own words, she didn't trust me to tell her the truth about my symptoms. I was really hurt when she said she didn't trust me and told her so, i mean what is the point of therapy in that case. But she insisted saying she needed that contact information. So I ended the relationship and haven't seen a T since then. On the other hand I have 45 min appointments with my pdoc and this is some kind of therapy too.

I used to work full time, travel, have some friends, lead a full life. Now I am a lonely middle age woman on private disability at home with my cat most of the time and in some legal troubles too from my last episode.

Of course I am angry at the reaction and how I have been treated or mistreated at times, but if I never had this illness I wouldn't have lost everything I had worked so hard for all my life and become so isolated.

I have acted strange while manic and this really scares people to the point that they want to lock me away and that is what they do. If I step out of line of what is considered normal behavior in any slight way, I'll have the police at my door to take me away for a psych evaluation and probable commitment. Last summer the police were banging on my door maybe 50 times and i became incredibly paranoid that people were after me.