Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Thank you for asking.
I was good at breaking up before when dating others, but my husband and I married and committed ourselves to each other for life.
Neither of us are toxic people, but the relationship is so toxic, it’s traumatic, and has been for a long, long time.
It was a slow process that snowballed. It is only over the initiation of sexual intimacy. I am the one who gets explosive tantrums. We’ve tried counseling, meds, everything, but we just don’t work together.
Even just this weekend, I was hopefully preparing on Friday to just try to have a good weekend with him. But, the whole thing blew up, as usual, and my husband is now staying elsewhere. We decided to ‘take a break’.
I had no idea I had this explosive traumatized nervous wreck inside me. There were no signs of any of this in the beginning.
And yet, even through this living hell that both he and I have suffered, we remain fair, kind, partners.
It’s just heartbreaking and unfortunate.
I ended up meeting enough criteria for Borderline traits because I had even started smacking myself in the head out of such severe frustration when experiencing this nightmare.
You had questioned if your gf had BPD, NPD. I found this site a few years ago and did so much soul searching and self analysis to try to figure out why this happened and how to stop it.
I NEVER did any manipulative, petty, nervy things like your gf does. I’ve really tried my best and have my heart in the right place. But, I do see evidence of emotional disorder in me.
I hope this helps you.
Again, if you are seeing blazing red flags while dating, really, do yourself a favor and run.
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Don’t mention it, especially after all the sharing that I have been doing in attempts to listen to others such as you and request any feedback. As you said, we are here to help, support, suggest and emphasize how ever we might be able to do so.
Just to clarify, the relationship is so toxic and traumatic only in the area of sexual intimacy or in general and sexual intimacy was where the toxicity and trauma originated (or another option?)
May I ask if, in your words, are you aware of what causes you to be in “explosive tantrums” as in what might trigger you, why you choose to and so forth, especially after you stated that you attempted to find out why. Is there more than correlation between the “explosive tantrums” and “Borderline traits?”
Not only are you conscious of disruptions to your relationship, you also both acknowledge you, your responsibility and behavior and try to change you and your behavior to improve yourself and the relationship. I support, empathize and respect you greatly for such acknowledgements and efforts. Moreover, in both your actions and mere consciousness/acknowledgment, you convey a willingness, that you care, and more.
In my humble opinion, there is something beautiful, respectable and loving in that you two are attempting as you are and how you are. As you stated, relationships require two people (and their efforts and so on.)
Also, I apologize for roughly restating my thoughts on the topic of if it is “possible for someone to change” in my two above posts. With that said, would you, maybe, please explain your perspective as to why “a prospective life partner ‘cannot change?’” I think that your thoughts might assist my attempts to learn, heal and further my understanding.
Upon more reflection, research and thinking, I think that there were some red flags while dating her before we moved to London, but I suspended judgment, was not conscious that they were "red flags," ignored them or even a combination of the three aforesaid explanations. With that said, to be accurate, she did not seem to reveal just how she was as a person in general until I was well intimately and intensely in love with her, in London with her, developing an intimate and intense bond with her, a change in my consciousness and my connection with the world (e.g. she is in love with me and reciprocates how I feel for her) and more. Consequently, by then, I was "up for grabs."