I don’t know how to tell my story without writing another 5000 posts, lol.

Yes, our problem is only over intimacy. Every other way, we are great together. That’s why this has been so tragic.

I never thought I had any illness or disorder until this problem with him caused me to seek psychological help and analyze myself.

So it turns out there was lots about me that could be an arguable case for Borderline. I was emotionally abused by my mother. Bullied by kids. My father had a nervous breakdown and died when I was 12. I lost my virginity to a date rape where I must have been slipped drugs, but I hadn’t even thought much about that incident even when it happened. Never told my mother. I had relationships with young men that one could call strange, volatile. My family suffered a trauma surrounding my father’s death and a huge loss of money from his father. My mother is narcissistic and really did/does head numbers on me.

But, honestly, I did not think any of this was unusual. I did not reflect on it, and never would have, if my marriage hadn’t turned traumatic over sex which caused me to start having tantrums.

As a kid and teen and young woman, I did not have emotional problems. I have friends. Boyfriends loved me. No toxicity.

Also, some mild drug use- marijuana. But all my friends partied and it is something I really like. And some of the strange relationships are also related to ‘friends with weed’.

I don’t think I have the black and white thinking. It’s just the opposite for me, everything is gray.

And when I got so exasperated with this marital problem, I started self medicating, and self harming by hitting myself. But I was in my mid 40’s when that started, and I stopped a year ago, never to even have any urge again, because it didn’t do me any good.