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Sunrise said
It sounded to me like she gave you a straightforward, although difficult, homework assignment. I don't see any manipulation or gameplaying. I think she is trying to help you.

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In my gut don't think she is playing with me either. That was just my resident distrust and paranoia talking. Sometimes it gets the best of me and yields anger.

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Sunrise said,
Learning this stuff about myself will have future pay-offs down the road.

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Thanks for the reminder. I must know that or I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing. Unless I really am just getting off in some sick way on torturing myself.

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Perna said,
..if your marriage is %#@&#! then it's better to know that than not to!

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Thanks for this comment too. I know this. I have been preprogrammed to seek the truth, whether I really want to know it or not. Most of the time I consider this a good trait, today not so sure.

I also know that its my own bullheadedness, pride, and distrust that has let things get bottled up and distorted. I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When it really comes down to it... I'm even the one shaking the bottle to get it to explode. My T just gave me a few pointers on how to do it.

Get this explosion--

In my delusional state, I sent my T a full and complete extemporaneous disclosure of the past. And from what I remember, I even including how this recent trip down memory lane has reduced my ability to detach from it when necessary. I snail mailed it and there is no chance of getting it back now. I'm sitting with this today. Some part of my rational mind must have still been functioning last night anticipating my reactions today. After I printed the letter I deleted it from my computer so could not torture myself reading it over and over and regretting every word. If I go back next week, I think I'll need a few shots of the rum before the session :-)

Thanks for letting me vent to you all. Sky in reading my response to your comments, I hope you understand that frustration and anger at myself had set in a that point. I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else for that matter. Good thing for the text censors :-} Please accept my apology.