Warning: Long!
MC today for the first time in over a month. Went back and I realized he had space heater on (I'm very sensitive to warm temperatures). I was like, "OK, the first thing I have to say is to ask you to turn off the space heater." H said, "Yeah, when I saw that was on, knew that would be the first thing she'd said." MC immediately turned it off. I said I didn't want him to be cold, but...

We all sat. I felt kinda awkward and had trouble looking at him much, though did notice he was wearing a striped, unbuttoned polo shirt (in other words, yeah, there was some chest hair showing). He asked how we were doing, I motioned to H to begin, since he'd just been to orthopedist for shoulder issues. He filled MC in on that and some work stuff.

MC turned to me, I said how I'd just been rejected (on Fri.) from one of the PhD programs I'd applied to and, based on stuff I'd read, would likely be rejected from the other one. He gave a seemingly genuine, "I'm sorry." I started crying as I talked about it, then said I didn't know why I was crying, and he said his usual, "It's OK." Then he said he didn't know if was anything like psychology PhD programs, but he wasn't accepted anywhere his first round applying. Which surprised me, because he went to an Ivy League school (and one of the best-known ones) for undergrad.

I mentioned how I'd shared the e-mail exchange I had with him early last week with H, and H said it was mostly stuff we'd discussed previously (including my concerns about T), and I said I was mainly sharing it to be transparent. Talked a bit about my concerns about my T, how I worried he couldn't handle the attachment stuff--or maybe not "couldn't handle" but "wouldn't want to handle." H said he figured people didn't get into the business if they didn't want to handle certain types of clients. I said yeah, but that he could pick and choose his clients if he wanted. And really, the groups he specialized in (for example, teens), I didn't fit into any of them. So maybe he was trying to avoid people like me? MC didn't think so. I said how he kept saying he's not psychodynamically trained, and MC is, so to ask him about certain things. I asked MC if he was trained that way, and he confirmed.

I said how I would feel like T was really understanding me, then something would happen where it just felt like he didn't. How I thought it should be obvious that I was really upset about something, but he wasn't picking up on it. H gave example of me being upset about his going out of town, and his e-mailing me to "Have a fabulous week!" I said that in the half-session I went to in response to that, T was like, "I have no idea why you're upset with me." And how that was difficult. How eventually, after 10 minutes, he noticed I was shaking and asked if I was really that anxious. I think then he understood how much it was affecting me.

I said I guess I just expect therapists, with all their training, to be good at detecting how I'm feeling. H said MC was probably better at it because I've known him much longer than T. MC agreed. He said also that people in general are probably wrong, say 25% of the time in reading how people are feeling. That T's are only somewhat better, so maybe just wrong 20% of time instead. I was like, "Oh. Maybe I expect too much" He mentioned a recent misunderstanding with his daughter, where she'd told him something, he thought she meant a certain thing and responded accordingly. She got angry with him, they had words, then she explained what she'd meant. And MC was like, "Oh, you meant that, I would have reacted completely differently if I'd realized that."

I said I knew we had other stuff to talk about. MC said, "It's like there's a 600-pound gorilla--actually more like two 300-pound gorillas in the room." I agreed. He said how the one was about H and me, and the other was more specifically about me. I said yeah, that one was a girl gorilla, and H was saying it had hair like mine.

MC said he thought the one was about whether H and I were doing well enough that we didn't really need marriage counseling. Were these sessions helpful to us anymore? I said I thought we had managed OK in the past month, and H agreed. I said there was some value to the sessions, but I didn't know if we *needed* them so much. H said that honestly, he could go either way--he was fine if we continued coming to sessions and would be fine if we stopped (so, basically up to me...)

So then MC said the other part, which was more about me, was whether we'd resolved the stuff from December (the "I love you" e-mail, the contentious phone call, MC's request that I reduce contact, and the fallout from that). He said he felt like we should make sure that's dealt with first, before going to the other part. I said I felt it had been dealt with for the most part. That I mostly felt closure about it. He asked what that meant. I said how before it was like this whole swarm of bees, but now, there may be a few still buzzing around, but mostly addressed.

I said that I thought there was a third part though, also about me. And that was about my attachment in general, how I wanted to feel OK about separating. MC said he probably should have considered that part, too, maybe as separate from the December stuff. That he wondered if I worried about separating since I wasn't feeling as secure with T. I said yes.

So we were talking about the three parts and trying to label them like parts in a trilogy. MC mentioned Indiana Jones, and H was like, "Oh, so in the second part you'll literally rip her heart out?" MC said, "Yeah, OK that was a bad choice." H: "Jaws?" MC: "But then I'd literally chew her up and spit her out." They named a couple other bad choices. Then I said, "Uh, Naked Gun?" They agreed that one would work.

So he mentioned how we'd want to make sure conflict had been dealt with, then address stuff with me and attachment, then move on to H and I stuff. I said I wondered if it needed to go in a different order, that maybe H and I stuff should come before the me stuff. MC said that made sense.

MC said he thought I was worried about separating from him while unsure about T. I agreed and said how I worried that T wouldn't deal with attachment well, how if it got stronger for me, I feared I'd get hurt. MC said, "That's exactly why I want you to keep working with him." Me: "What? But what if he can't handle it?" MC: "I want you to keep working with him to see that your fears are unfounded. That he can handle it. And that even if you do get hurt by him, you'll get through it." Me: "Oh, I see." [thinks for a second]. "OK, I know we need to stop soon, but...I just keep thinking, you're comfortable handling attachment, and I became too much for you, so how long will T last with that? I imagine his threshold would be much lower. And I'm scared I'll end up getting hurt."

MC replied, "But you didn't become too much for me." Me: "Yes I did, that's why the whole December thing happened." MC: "You weren't too much for me. You're still sitting here." Me: "Yes I was, and I'll be too much for T." MC: "I know, you worry you're too much for everyone in your life." Me: "Yeah, like here, too [points at H]." MC: "Yes, and with others." Me: "But I feel like I am. I expect too much from people."

MC: "You're not too much." Me: "But I am..." MC [looking at me more intently]: "Lonesome Tonight (using my full name), you are not too much." Me: "But...." MC [leaning forward, kinda doing his "hug from across the room thing"]: "Let me say it a different way: You're not too much." Me [really crying now]: "I..." MC: "LT, you're not too much." Me [melts into puddle because he's saying the stuff I needed to hear as a kid...]

I had been holding the tissues on my lap, but then put them in my purse after a bit. After I put the last couple in there, MC pulled out the trash can from under his desk and held it in front of me. I gathered the tissues from my purse and lap and put them in, thanking him. It's the second time he's done that, and it felt bizarrely caring (I mean, it's a trash can! But maybe it felt more symbolic, like he was giving me a place to put my tears? I dunno.)

Said we did need to wrap up. He asked if we wanted to schedule or wait. I said I would like to put something on the schedule. H said, "Maybe a couple weeks?" So we scheduled for two Mondays from now. Stood up, shook hands, MC said, "It was good to see you," and I said, looking into his eyes, "It was good to see you, too." Got pretty weepy on the car ride home (but like a good weepy, if that makes sense...)