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Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I don’t know how to tell my story without writing another 5000 posts, lol.
Yes, our problem is only over intimacy. Every other way, we are great together. That’s why this has been so tragic.
I never thought I had any illness or disorder until this problem with him caused me to seek psychological help and analyze myself.
So it turns out there was lots about me that could be an arguable case for Borderline. I was emotionally abused by my mother. Bullied by kids. My father had a nervous breakdown and died when I was 12. I lost my virginity to a date rape where I must have been slipped drugs, but I hadn’t even thought much about that incident even when it happened. Never told my mother. I had relationships with young men that one could call strange, volatile. My family suffered a trauma surrounding my father’s death and a huge loss of money from his father. My mother is narcissistic and really did/does head numbers on me.
But, honestly, I did not think any of this was unusual. I did not reflect on it, and never would have, if my marriage hadn’t turned traumatic over sex which caused me to start having tantrums.
As a kid and teen and young woman, I did not have emotional problems. I have friends. Boyfriends loved me. No toxicity.
Also, some mild drug use- marijuana. But all my friends partied and it is something I really like. And some of the strange relationships are also related to ‘friends with weed’.
I don’t think I have the black and white thinking. It’s just the opposite for me, everything is gray.
And when I got so exasperated with this marital problem, I started self medicating, and self harming by hitting myself. But I was in my mid 40’s when that started, and I stopped a year ago, never to even have any urge again, because it didn’t do me any good.
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A many thanks for posting what you have. I responded to all three of your posts below. I am very thankful for you to divulge such content.
Though there is tragedy, if you both love each other as you seem to confirm without explicitly confirming, it still seems possible for you two to overcome such a tragedy. I say the aforesaid statement in an attempt to be empathetic and honest about what might be.
Although it might just be an online forum, I wish to e-hug for all that you endured and will still continue to face. You seem awfully strong to preserve through such events, trauma and more.
If I may humbly say, there does seem to be a correlation between past events and trauma therein and the toxicity in the intimacy in your relationship with your husband. It seems like past trauma that was repressed and still is to a degree manifests in a specific act that pertains to the trauma. I won’t add more thoughts, unless you say so, because I do so in an attempt to respect you and your “tragedy” as you phrased it.
Honestly, congratulations for stopping in self-medicating and self-harming. That requires courage and strength in my humble opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I say people can’t change because they don’t.
Look at my struggle with my husband. Neither of us have changed in order to fix it.
People show you who they are. They are what they are. Either accept them as they are or don’t.
We hung in together because we do have deep, caring feelings for each other. We do have really good times together very often. We raised a family together.
My husband has lied to me by promising over and over he really gets it, understands what I want, and will give it to me...but he won’t ever do it. It’s just not in his mind no matter what.
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To clarify and not nitpick, are you stating that a person can change, but just does not do so?
Even though you type that neither of you have changed, you seemed to have changed, according to your post in both from how you were (and were not) and from what you used to do (and not do.) You might not have changed in every single aspect and changed entirely as in an “entirely different person” or “new person,” but you are no longer self medicating.
Additionally, you changed in becoming aware of your “explosive” tantrums” as you phrased them and are trying to change through attempting to stop, prevent and/or curtail that behavior. What you did and are doing exemplifies introspection, perseverance and (strong) will.
Another example, but I as the focus, was when my ex girlfriend told me right around New Year’s to “stop bringing up the past” and “to move on with her” with her amongst other statements (those were not her exact words but more/less the same message.) So, despite my hurt, lack of understanding in her decisions to breakup and so forth, I decided to stop dwelling on the past.
I changed both how I was (and was not) and what I did (and did not) in interacting with her. Instead of talking with her about how to talk with one another and trying to figure out and decide how to communicate and more, I chose to be like how I was when we were together in general and how I would have been if not for the turmoil and so forth. I spoke lovingly and affectionately to her.
I was extra supportive to her (morally and so forth.) I would send her messages throughout the day to try to cause her to smile, laugh and to maybe rediscover the love between us. Haha, even after I was like that, she still continued as she was (in her behavior and in using me and so on,) which did not result in reconnecting.
I think that change is always a possibility for the average person and the vast majority of people. Whether it is how one is (or is not) and/or what one does (or does not do,) one can change; however, the change might not be simple, easy, quick and so forth.
There might be a massive effort required, how ever much length of time, how ever many increments, how ever many and/or much resources and so on. Change in behavior seems like a tricky one because consciousness of one’s behavior, a willingness to change, exerting the effort and more seem to be necessary for change to be exercised.
With that said, deeply rooted learned behavior might just be that more difficult to change since it is so embedded in the person’s behavior, mind and so on. Additionally, the person is so conditioned to be as s/he is (and is not.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
You said something interesting about you formed intense connection of love to your gf. So intense, you are considering battling out trying to change her horrid, loveless behavior!
I don’t feel such intense permanence to people.
Where Borderlines will make frantic attempts to avoid abandonment, I expect it. I love people and enjoy them, but always feel like it’ll end and that’s ok. I have a hard time feeling like something is true, safe, forever. I’m always prepared for the rug to get pulled out from under me. But, instead of clinging to people, maybe I do sabotage the relationship. I think of people as for right now and don’t let myself count on them always being there.
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Haha, yeah, I would not state that I was (or am) trying to change her behavior, but rather, I was of the perspective that she would change her behavior and do so through communication and interaction (with me.) (Now, there is just so much indeterminacy.) Another option for change was “no contact,” but due to aforesaid feelings, perspectives and so forth, I chose to try both communication and interaction with each other as a possible means to foster cooperation, talk through our problems (issues and so on,) reconnect and reconcile.
With that said, as you indicated, I still am battling conflicting feelings and perspectives on trying to have something with her or not, but I don’t think that I will be trying any time soon if I do decide to try.
For me, I would not define it as “permanence” because it is not permanent to me. Life, the present and even the bond to which I was referring are ever constantly changing in my humble opinion. There was a conscious choice on continually exercising my freedom for someone else whom I choose (in doing so I choose not anyone else.)
Additionally, I was constantly choosing to develop feelings, love, a bond that continued to develop through interaction, history and so on. For me, I think that the impermanence is always present because when a person stop’s trying, give’s up, or another action, the relationship is likely to stop as well, but that is not to stay it is will with certainty or cannot continue, be repaired and so forth.
It was my feeling and opinion that not only did she and I share a bond and wanted and willed for that bond (to develop and strengthen,) but we also shared similar or same feelings and perspectives on a willingness and a want to confront issues, problems and so forth together and resolve them with each other because of our love for one another (and so on.)
It’s interesting what you seem to be conveying in your last paragraph because I share similar perspectives with perspectives that you seem to share, but our approaches with the similar or same perspectives differ. For example, I also do not “count someone always being there,” “aware of the rug being pulled out from underneath me” and “questioning if something is safe and forever,” which is why I attempt to be conscious of such possibility and through conscious effort to try to act on what I think I should do and how I feel.
To elaborate, when we were seemingly falling in love with one another, I was aware of the possibility that our relationship could end, but I would do my best to not allow that possibility to occur through acting on my love for her, showing her that I loved her and so on because I loved her, wanted her to be with me and so forth. I was not going to take anything for granted, be passive and so on. Likewise, during that segment in history, she seemed to be doing the same to me and feeling the same as I as well.