As you know, therapy did not do much to me either beyond distraction and some very minor positives (that I am not even sure had anything to do with therapy, might have been a coincidence as well). I don't consider that any sort of failure - it's one thing I've tried in life and did not find beneficial, whatever the reasons.
You know what keeps puzzling me about you, HT? I hope you don't mind my saying these things here... That you so persistently insist that there is something very wrong with you, even evil... what is really that? Anger is not evil, it is a perfectly normal emotion, especially in response to unfairness and being taken advantage of, even just as a reaction to feeling stuck momentarily.
Similar for your apparent lack of sense of self. Maybe it is just me, but the complete opposite comes across to me about you here on PC. This as well:
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
It showed up throughout my adulthood in problems I had at work -- for instance, if I was supposed to do something I didn't think was "right", I couldn't do it, even if it was just a matter of technique, and I would eventually quit -- whether I had another job yet or not. My sense of identity seemed to be bound up both with the job and with doing the "right" thing ...
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Isn't actually having a strong sense of what is right for you, and refusing to violate your values, show a pretty strong sense of self? So many people would not act the way you describe, wouldn't even express strong opinions, would just go along with the rules imposed by externals, etc. That, to me, is much more being out of touch with one's core identity and values, or at least not standing up to them.
Also, you come across to me here on the forum as one of the most considerate, respectful members - I said this before. Of course being able to see issues from many different angles, and taking responsibility the way you seem to, requires considerable self control and awareness. Who does not lose it sometimes? Perhaps those therapists and many years of therapy did mostly one thing: implanted in you that there is something very wrong, because you stood up for your values and what you think is not okay about their approaches and self-righteousness? I really think that therapy and therapists are not the Holy Grail for everyone and I am not surprised you are one. You see through and beyond things in ways that probably intimidated those that did not, and they found that intolerable.