I liked the way he did therapy in the past but now...

It's been over a month since we've had a session. It's been almost three weeks since we've had a real conversation - and we used to have a conversation every day. He still sends me an emoji that we designated as meaning a hug sometimes and he sent me pictures of his kids twice over the last three weeks, but any attempt I make at having a conversation is met with radio silence.

I have begged him for a session and offered to drive to where his office is, even though it is really far for me. Last week, he said we would definitely talk on the phone this week and I responded that I thought we needed to talk face to face because of what's going on. I told him I was working late Thursday and Friday of this week and asked if we could meet before that at a location of his choosing. He hasn't replied yet and I don't think he's going to. Don't think the phone conversation is going to happen either.

Part of me is beating myself up because he's going through stuff right now and I feel like a real friend would be there for him and put their selfish needs to the side because his needs take priority. Part of me is beating myself up because I feel like it's my fault that he's doing this in the first place - that I got him mad and now he hates me and wants me to leave him alone. And part of me is saying that this isn't fair and he's not being a good therapist, and that part makes me feel disloyal and like a horrible excuse for a human being because he really did do a lot for me back before I ruined things and made him abandon me.

I don't know what to do. I'm having a really hard time functioning - don't want to leave the house, struggling not to cry all the time, really struggling not to SI. Normally I would force myself to tell him about this so he can try to help but...this situation with him is the reason I feel this way.

And every time I start to get mad at him for abandoning me, I get furious with myself for making him do this and feel worse.

I need help...and I don't know where to go to get it and don't feel like I deserve it and never did in the first place. It feels like I had someone who cared about me and wanted to help me and I broke that by being the piece of garbage that I am.