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From yesterday:
This is going to be all over the place...I apologize.
The little parts were very very far forward at the start of the session, and, for a while, the connection with C was intense... but something happened 20 min from the end that threw up some sort of wall, and then none of them could come through, and it was not good. I don't know if it was C's sudden focus on a self-harm part that I'd not told him about before...or his decision to address parts directly with direct questions -- which always gives me this "no skin; being burned by a bright light" feeling.
C did give his reaction to the email (an email I sent that included a dumping of memories that I said I didn't want to talk about yet but then said parts did want to know his reaction), but it wasn't at all words for a child. He talked about the "power" of it and the "poeticness." It was lost on the littles, but I couldn't bring myself to say that. I wanted to say "that's nice, but that's all meaningless to a 6 year old..."
C wants to be able to talk to the parts directly and wants them to talk to him directly...and wants me to make it obvious when they email him.
I have forgotten most of the session, to be honest...
But I vividly remember coming out of the session and falling into gut-wrenching sobs in the parking garage, and thinking "this is how people wander off and are found wandering around aimlessly not knowing who they are or what year it is...that could be me right now...I am that close to disappearing..."
I emailed C this -- that I was sobbing in the parking garage...he'd asked who was terrified for the session to end, but I couldn't answer. It was one or both of the 6 year olds.
He hasn't responded, and I'm really just barely here right now. I went to Wegmans, got $30 of cheese and salami, came home and made myself a cheese board and a glass of wine for dinner... trying trying trying...
but it hurts, and I want to call him... I want to call him, but I wouldn't be able to let the 6 year old talk, and SHE'S who wants to call... she wants to call and sob and hear him tell her everything is going to be ok, and that he's there...
maybe I'll email him that
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I did email him
He did respond
lots of emotions
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