Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay
...when we are so deeply attached to someone who sometimes harms us we can hate ourselves for that anger because it drives us away from our only source of support, the person we are angry at. Your anger towards him is real and justified but then you turn it inwards because to be angry at him means you are left with no support. So you have to deny your own truth, your own feelings, in order to be able to receive the support you do get when you get it.
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This. This so much.
How can I get angry at him and confront him and tell him that I've had really bad thoughts about SI and SUI because of this situation...because of him...without losing the only source of support I have? How do I get his help with the bad thoughts when I don't know if he's even going to answer me if I tell him about them? How do I get mad at him after all he's done for me in the past, after he's literally saved my life, when I didn't deserve it?
I keep replaying everything I've done wrong in my head - been too negative, asked for too much, didn't respond the way he wanted me to, was in crisis too many times, didn't get better fast enough, etc. It feels like all of that more than justifies what's going on right now but...
He swore he would never leave me. He swore. I asked him over and over and over again when he was going to leave and he SWORE it would never happen.
He swore and I finally trusted him. And then I made him into a liar.