I'm glad my words gave you something you don't normally get, I recognize that my perspective is rather unique, so when I'm in the mood? I can be extremely honest, especially if there is little or zero benefit in deception. My actions are always a choice. I reject the entire "they can't help it" narrative that far too many people try to push forward for whatever reasons.


A shift in perception can be an incredible experience and asset when used with deliberate direction and purpose. It sounds like you had an "ephiphany" of sorts, like "oh look there's the name for this problem! So now what?!" It sounds like pieces of the puzzle are still coming together for you (correct me if I'm wrong). That kind of altered perception is closer to a paradigm shift because it's one of those things, now that you know it, you cannot unknow it. There is freedom in that, though inevitably pain as well.

Reading this whole thread does make me wonder where your lack of trust in yourself and your ability to judge people and situations correctly came from. You're right, problems like this don't randomly appear. I'm of the opinion that people are born with certain traits, certain predispositions, etc but how all of that manifests in any given individual depends on variables that frankly I don't think many ever see for what they are.


This isn't stuff I voice in speaking or in writing very often so if I've been at all confusing or if you're curious about anything I say you are free to ask questions.

I am of the opinion that people are who they are. They can either be a healthy variant of that core essence of Self or they can be an unhealthy variant.

I am who I am, nothing can alter that. Nobody has the power to change the essence of my Self. Any action I take is my choice and my choice alone. Nobody can "make" me do anything or feel anything or react in any certain way. To say otherwise would be to give away my power. How I see myself, how I choose to relate to the worlds both within me and outside of me? All of that is under my power and control unless I choose to give it away.

Knowledge is power. While gaining knowledge of the parts of me that were and in some cases still are sick caused me torment I've never felt so intensely before or since, I wouldn't trade the knowledge and power I've gained from my insight into myself for anything in the world.

Thank you for that rare sentiment of sympathy, though I confess I hear things like this so infrequently I never quite know how to react when it happens, ha ha ha.

You're welcome, truthfully you've said nothing offensive.

Awareness is so simple and yet so powerful, once insight is gained in significant quantities you'd be amazed at just how fast everything comes together. Then you can act with confidence because that's the natural result of true awareness and insight.

Sometimes my actions against others did have a harmful effect on me that I didn't forsee at the time. Everything has a price, some more heavy and painful than others.

Your insight into your ex is dead on accurate, I'm sincerely impressed with your ability to see your ex as he really is. To be able to gaslight someone, or use deception in general, the first person you'll ever have to fool is yourself. That sounds counter intuitive and even insane, but think about it. If I want to tell a convincing lie, I'm going to be lying to myself first and foremost or the lie will be rendered completely ineffective if I try to inflict it on another.

Part of why narcissists (and psychopaths, in a different way) are so good at deception is because they don't simply tell falsehoods. They *become* the falsehoods, so ironically the lie is convincing, effective, and incredibly harmful/destructive because to them it becomes the truth.

One thing I've always had insight about from the start is my extreme level of deception that I exist in and drag others into. I think this is the reason I have insight about the rest of it, to have insight you have to be aware of the truth. I've always had an awareness of the truth, on a fundamental level. I have a weird ability to become the lie while not losing myself in the lie, which is typically the fate that befalls narcissists (and psychopaths, but again there is a difference between how these two groups deceive and why they deceive to begin with).

Deception, be it in the form of gaslighting, distorting or omitting the truth, lying, making up entire life histories that I can back up as fact even though it never happened, etc is always something I've done deliberately. Even as a young girl, I was constantly deceptive. It's a fundamental way that I relate to the world, both within and without. Being deliberately honest is as difficult for me as it is for someone such as yourself to deliberately deceive.

As for my motive, it's really quite simple for me personally. Again, I am speaking for myself alone when I say: I have always been into the art of deception because I know it is extremely harmful, destructive, and evil. I remember being younger than ten and being caught in my childhood deceptions and when asked why I lied, I would say, "because I'm evil and I like doing evil things." My answer to questions about my motives behind my behavior is unchanged. I lie about my motives at times, but I never lose awareness of the actual facts underneath.

The thing is that I'm keenly aware that most people don't actually want me to tell the truth. When I say this I mean that I openly warn people that wish to get close to me that I'm evil(I've taken this tactic for an extremely long time), and that to be close to me means being lied to, probably betrayed in some way, tormented by me, possibly gaslighted until they literally go insane, etc. etc. And you know what? People never believe it. They insist that somehow I'm secretly an empathetic ray of light deep down and essentially and/or inherently good, like they believe themselves and everyone else to be. They need to believe in the concept of universal inherent good in people for some reason or another. So, they simply refuse to see me for who I am.

It takes a special kind of person to be around me and not inevitably suffer somehow. Interestingly, the people that are close to me tend to be either unusually empathetic, caring, good, selfless, conscientious, etc or the total opposite: I have a disproportionate amount of psychopaths, sadists, and other kinds of people that are called evil in my life, whether they accept that word or reject it.

For someone like your ex, actually seeing himself as he truly is would literally crush him. It would be devastating. Narcissists, oh they hate being called on their destructive behavior for a reason! They hate it quite simply because of what I mentioned already: they desperately need to see themselves as 100% good and amazing and wonderful. To see themselves as anything less than that would emotionally rip them wide open. It is why the narcissistic are so infamous for their rages. It's usually because someone like yourself unintentionally stepped on one of those sore spots of theirs, or it was someone like me who did it on purpose. I tend to be toxic to narcissists, because it's in my nature to see people's vulnerabilities and to exploit them for my own purposes. Narcissists are an open book to me because I understand them, I'm extremely narcissistic. I know the mechanisms of it. I know how it works. Therefore, I know what makes them tick. I've made oddly satisfying friendships with victims of narcissists because I tend to prey on narcissists more than I ever prey on their victims. Why? I see narcissists as easier prey, and they tend to serve my purposes more readily(people who rely on deception as a way of being without realizing they're doing it are easy to shape and mold into whatever I want, and I can do it without doing anything overly destructive). Narcissists are oblivious to danger, to see danger would mean that they would have to accept that they aren't invincible, which they cannot tolerate.

Thank you for the kind sentiment, again. For me personally it's not that my health was taken from me. It's more that I'm perfectly capable of being healthy, but I was never taught how to be healthy. I'm still learning, but I must be making headway, I have many genuine friendships and so on, several of which are long lasting. Apparently I've been able to learn how to adapt and learn what being healthy means for me on some level.

When I was growing up I got lectures about why things I did were frowned upon by the establishment but I was never given messages like "you're bad/worthless/terrible/etc", instead I got messages that you'd think were healthy but that had a toxic and yes, damaging, effect on me. I was told that I was essentially "normal" but needed to stop acting badly, and that I was inherently good "just like everyone else", except that of course, this was an utter lie. All of these "good and uplifting" messages I got about myself from my caregivers were completely false. Now understand, it was an unintentional deception by people who had nothing but good intentions, but they were deceptive none the less. That deception caused me a lot of damage because I was taught an entire way of relating to the world that did not apply to me because I was not the person they needed to believe I was. Nobody wants to deal with the reality of evil. And let's face it, when evil manifests in a young child for no discernible reason? People *really* don't want to deal with that. I'm not all that bitter about people not wanting to deal with it, it's a tough subject. I imagine it's as difficult for most people to come to terms with and learn to live with what is evil as it is difficult for me to deal with the opposite. Yes, dealing with good is difficult for me. Some people are so good that they honestly repel me, because I find it disgusting and intolerable just as most find evil distusting.

Indeed, I think that people who are inherently good or inherently evil are rare(and these are all my personal beliefs here, no need to blindly accept anything I say unless it actually makes beneficial sense to you). Most people fall somewhere in the middle of the two extremes, some leaning towards one direction or the other.

As far as Bible enthusiasts, I have a way of attracting those types and then later repelling them to such a degree that entire Christian sects have warned others about my presence. I think that by reading the novel I'm writing here you can start to see why that is.

You're very astute, I hope you know that. My choices are entirely my own and influenced by no one. The armor I built was not fun to live in. I was happy to remove that toxic nonsense from my internal and external worlds, even though it did cause me a unique level of torment in the process of removing it.

One of my inherent attributes is chaos, it's something about who I am that has always been there regardless of how I've chosen to use that ability to cause chaos. For me the battle has been learning to control said chaos and learn to use it in ways that are efficient and that will benefit me. That means I can't go around lying to literally everyone, for example, because it is not in my self interest to do so.

Chaos has its place, I got a lot of heartfelt thank you's when I exposed a pedophile for exactly who he was many years ago. That caused total chaos that is still lingering today, along with the destruction of that entire side of the family. The victims thanked me, the perpetrator hates me as does those in the family who choose to remain in denial. This person never sexually abused me, but I knew he was doing it and so I said something about it. Why did I say something? Because I wanted to cause chaos and destruction, and I figured that outing a pedophile wouldn't get many complaints except for the guilty and complicit. I was correct and I'm regarded as a hero, albeit an extremely dark one, for saying something when I chose to. The phrase "necessary evil" comes to mind.

Your attributes are powerful, and I'm glad you're choosing to share here.

(Edited on account of typoes and this got long, lol oops!)