Hello to you all -

I am new to this forum and new to Internet advice as well. HOWEVER. I live in a very sheltered area of the world with a unique twist. The entire county I live in revolves around drag racing, mud bogging, and basically drinking. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and it is a constant battle for me that I face DAILY. I have not totally whopped it but, I have always caught myself when I have gone "too far" (meaning I have lost control of how much or when I drink). Luckily I have a wonderful professional career with an ad agency in a neighboring city that keeps me focused.

With that said. I was recently engaged to a man with an alcohol problem. (I have been told that the daughters of alcoholic fathers are more likely to marry alcoholic men - go figure). He is on DUI #3 and currently on Felony Probation. He has no driver's license and is about 1/2 of a step from getting himself into prison. About once a month he would take off with his "buddies" at an automotive shop and start drinking. At the point he would get drunk, he would stop answering any of my phone calls and stay out until 12, 1am, or whenever he felt he wanted to come home (or I threw enough of a fit). Likewise we did drink alot together and there were a lot of alcohol induced arguments and tears. Also when he drank to much he would become strangely jealous and get this "blank stare" like he was just disgusted with me. (almost like he was actually "jealous" of the attention I GOT). It was strange.

However - trying to get to the point. 11 months later after me "begging & pleading" with him to stop disrespecting me that way (taking off with no phone call and stumbling home)......we got into a knock down drag out argument about it when he did it for what I knew would be the last time. I confronted him when he got home. We got into a screaming match. Finally, I just went to bed. I had not been drinking and did not plan on it. I had been asking him to get help or to stop. I know I have to battle and I wanted to battle and I wanted him to battle with me. Sadly, he did not want to and I was too clouded with the rose colored glasses to see it.

Got up the next AM, he came into my bedroom and tried to hug me from behind and he said, "Do you love me?". I responded, "Love ain't got a thing to do with it - you disrespected me AGAIN!". Needless to say that made him angry and he went into the bathroom. Then, a few minutes later - another screaming match. Finally, I had to get ready for work so I shut my bedroom door and turned the TV up, so I could not hear him. When I was done I opened the door and he would not let me out - pushed me on the bed and pinned me. Of course I fought. He got up, then I told him I would kill him if he ever did it again (I'm ex law-enforcement) and he said, "Oh Yeah" and did it again. I finally got out the door and went to work after a fit of tears and rage.

So, needless to say he would not quit calling me after I asked him for my space. I filed for an injunction and was awarded one. Now almost 2 months later (this all happened on December 4th).....we have begun to talk as the injunction is now being dissolved. I was very angry that he seemed to be not the least bit remorseful and I knew he was turning to alcohol. Before he left that afternoon I told him that he needed help and that I could not make him "change" only he could do that. I did not speak to him for these two months. AT ALL. Any attempt he made I fired back with anger and disgust.

Now, when I talk to him, I try not to talk. I let him talk to see where he is at. He seems very in touch with all the wrongs he has committed and on several occasions has cried. I offered him my book on Violent and Controlling men (which by the way - any abused woman should read, the title is "Why Does He Do That?" By, Lundy Bancroft). He has already started reading it. He does seem very sincere......now. He has been very manipulative in the past but, I also know how to read it. Since I have been speaking to him - he has not been manipulative at all - only factual. He has taken full responsibility for putting his hands on me. He has started taking part in physical fitness (which I tried to recommend to him a long time ago to help with the alcohol addiction).......he has stayed out of places to drink..............he's opening his own business. He seems very motivated to do better? Even the way he speaks is different - it is no longer so cunning and sweet - it is more clear.........I guess if I had to choose a word to describe it.

Is this real or is a ploy?

How do I tell the difference? Does he really want to change? What are the chances? And then all the feelings I have to deal with if I take him back? I expressed my worry about that and he just told me to take my time. He did not want me to do anything I did not want to and to do whatever I want to do. Is this real or a game?

Confused in Drunk Land!