Thank you, it doesn’t make sense to me either. Just 3 weeks ago, my husband was on the road taking me to Duke Hospital, an hour and a half away, because I was having a breakdown and wouldn’t dare get the crappy care from the hospital here. We got a flat tire on the way and needed to get a new tire, but never made it there. I considered agreeing to IP the first time the psychiatrist suggested it, about 15 minutes into the session. I just didn’t want to deal with the hassle.

But I have been really depressed since last week my SSDI had been denied and now I am applying for a hearing. Getting that money, and hopefully benefits for my 2 kids and husband was going to be the break we needed to catch up on bills, move to a city where I could get more competent psychiatric care, and afford to go to therapy regularly. I resent my husband for never having steady work over the years, although I know he tried, I don’t think he realized how much of a crisis it was going to me by carrying the entire financial burden of our family on my back. Now with my illness the way it is, I can barely take care of myself, let alone be the only financial for an entire family. It’s too much stress. At first the hospital was going to be my escape, to put me in a safe environment to keep me from abandoning my family. I think Insurance will only pay for a week though, not enough time. But over the past couple of weeks I’ve had more of a desire to escape. Even today, I just wanted to sit somewhere in my car, with my phone off and not existing in reality. I took 3 more Klonopin tonight, I know that’s not good!

I think it’s that I feel guilt. Guilt that not getting approved for SSDI yet dashed all my hopes and dreams and plans, and sent my emotions in a tailspin. But how absolutely horrible would it look to get hospitalized after a denial letter - no matter how bad my mental state is, I don’t want to look like I planned it! That would look so bad at the hearing. I feel like a failure for not being able to handle minor stresses. That is depressing. I’ve also never been one to take more meds than prescribed, I may still take another one. Because I just don’t want to feel anything, at all.

Sigh. I guess I have not made a good case against going IP. . If I leave, my husband will take the lazy way out and let my mom take care of the girls while I’m away, and I can’t take the bad influence and favoritism from her. I just don’t feel as much at crisis level right now, but that may be because I feel a bit out of it from the Klonopin. Oh well.