I was really nervous about having a Skype session with him due to weather. I haven't used Skype much before.
I was worried it would make me feel bad, like a phone session we had once did.
I started by telling him how nervous I was, and how I was worried about feeling worse after. We had a bit of silence and I think I was trying to gauge whether I felt connected to him which was tricky at first.
I asked him if he was better (as he was ill last week) he said yes, but that it had gotten worse before it got better, and that he had had a high temperature. I said thst I hadn't got it when I hugged him and he said good.
I asked him if he felt he knew what was different about the last 10 minutes of last week to make us more connected. He said there was a subtle shift in him and he felt more open to me; he hadn't been aware of not being open to me prior to that, but said he's sure he mustn't have been. I said I am annoyingly sensitive to those shifts in him. He said it is not annoying, but it is challenging sometimes. I said I'm not sure if anything shifted in me because I'm not as aware of what's going on for me internally as he is. He said he experiences me as very focused on what's going on for him, and less focused on myself. I said it feels like I need to be assured of his attunement for me to feel okay. (We said this was quite a young feeling).
I talked to him about the hug from last week. I said it felt like a risk to say "I love you" while we were hugging. He asked how it felt after the fact. I hesitated and said "so...damn...good". I said there was some guilt attached to that and a judging voice saying "is this therapeutic? Are you losing sight of therapeutic purpose?" And an other voice saying "shut up". He asked me whether that voice had an answer to the question. I said the only answer I have is "how would I know?".
He said it seems like it isn't as binary as all that. He said the question is valid and we shouldn't lose sight of the question but the judging probably isn't helpful.
During the call my mobile rang several times, my doorbell went, my house phone rang and the screen froze a few times, but somehow, somehow I still felt connection and love and I told him that. He said it feels the same in some ways as he is focusing his attention on my eyes, like he would in session but different too because it probably doesn't look that way to me. I said I had been searching in my mind to see whether I could feel his presence, and I did. In the last couple of minutes we said we were glad it had worked and I confirmed I wouldn't need an extra face to face session. It felt weird ending because I had to say goodbye and press a button which felt really different, but it was okay. The session ended with impressive precision on 1h 9 seconds.