The plan is for me to go to the hospital tomorrow... that is when they will have a bed for me. If I am understanding correctly it is a five day, intensive program. Not sure if I will be there past the five days or not. I think some people end up staying longer, but five days is apparently the standard? I dunno. The info was given to me yesterday, but I don't have a solid handle on yesterday. What I do know is that they have a trauma type program and are equipped to deal with people with DID. So yeah... that's a good thing.

I'm not really sure what happened or how it all happened, but over the last few months I started unraveling and just could not seem to stop. Life kinda kicked my backside and I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't find room in all that to practice self care and to say i got overwhelmed is an understatement. Two days ago I snapped and I dunno. I'm not ok. But I am ok enough to know I need help, so that's a positive. I didn't end up hurting myself or anyone else, so that's a positive as well.... I dunno, I am self destructing, so maybe that is hurting myself. That one is up for debate still. I think my idea of self harm differs from those around me. Meh. Irrelevant. Point is, I am going inpatient.

I'm kinda freaking out about it. I don't trust psych people, but I know I need them. I'm terrified of being drugged up because I have bad reactions to meds. As a kid I was in a psych hospital and passed out, came to with a nurse over me telling me how they thought they were gonna lose me. I mean, med reactions are baaaadddd for me. I'm scared the intensive aspect of it will set me off and all I'll do is rapid switch and the whole thing will be pointless because of that and all I'll get out of it is a bill I can't afford. I am beyond poor and run out of food as it is now without some huge monthly bill for psych help. I couldn't afford a $20 copay for a freakin therapist how am I gonna afford this? But I'm more afraid of what I might learn... will I have to deal with stuff I am not ready to deal with... both in my head/past and in my present reality. I'm scared of getting better... stupid right? Meh. But I'm gonna do it. I don't want to, but I know I need to. Wish me luck, eh? Methinks I need it.

-Avery