So yesterday:

I told him about the sexual fantasy that involved him telling me how worthless and bad I was. Which was linked to not wanting sex for pleasure, but to hurt myself with as I haven't been self harming for the past month and a half.

I told him that I'd also found his practice's earnings online. I wanted him to blow up and tell me that I'd crossed the line but he didn't, he put it down to "exploring" and said that he had a feeling I'd seen that. I feel like I don't deserve him.

I told him that I hated it when he was kind to me and began to cry when he talked about me needing somebody to fight with. He covered his eyes with his hand when I first started to crying because he knows I don't like being seen, usually he does turn away but that was the first time that he did that.

He told me he wasn't an an expert in fantasys, but also thought the fact that I could dissociate in the act was significant. Next session on friday just after psychology lecture.