I pray for those families and lost loved ones whom became victims in this horrid event. And absolutely was not their faults. My kids have been talking about this so much lately. We had a long discussion about it tonight as their school is raising money to send. Heart wrenching is what comes to mind for all of those unfortunte people.

Guilt is a bad and ugly word. I struggle the most with this one without a doubt. I do feel guilty for being ill as my kids deserve a better life. As much as I try to be a mom to them, they see whats going on. They know I am sick.

And guilt......listen to what my son said tonight:

We were laying upstairs talking about the tsunami when my son layed on my side, right near my hip. He jumped up and said "ouch mom". I looked at him and said "ouch" back. He said, "Are you going to go to the doctors to get those bones fixed, and the other ones too?" As I was trying not to cry I forced myself to giggle. I told him I just at little too much weight in certain spots so my bones stick out there. Now I feel just awful. I hurt him with my bones for crying out loud. So they do see don't they. How smart kids really are....they feel it too and feel sadness as they don't understand. I am horrible.

I have parts of my body where I lost so much weight its extremely gross then other parts look normal. My doctor wanted to know my weight yesterday and I just could not speak. I was afraid to tell him. He guessed way below what I am (maybe in fear of upsetting me). Not sure but when I look at myself I am not proud of what I have done to my body. Bones sticking out where they should not and extra fat where it should not be (if that makes sense). I am not far from being underweight. My doctor warned me if I get past that point he will have no choice to step in further. God, if it were so easy to stop this madness. I am so afraid to let go of this as the underlying pain is hard enough to deal with. Without some control or focus I am scared that I will kill myself in another form. But this is doing the same thing yet it seems unreal at times as I am still alive. Yet causing so much pain for others. I deserve the pain, they don't. Arrrrgggg. Damn it, I want to shut this off.


Justy