I very much agree with you, and feel your pain. I regret ever starting therapy, but now I feel "stuck" there. Through therapy, instead of working through past hurts and learning better coping skills, and regulating my emotions, my central nervous system, my mind, I'm left a mess. I wish I could just go back to the person I was before two therapists, in particular, tried to "help" me, only ending up leaving me a bigger mess. I have only been in therapy coming up on four years (minimum twice a week), but I am a far bigger mess, far worse off, than I was when I started. My first therapist (whom I still see), ended up offering me things I "needed," but didn't know I did until she offered them. She was trying to speed up the process, trying to gain my trust, since I was one who couldn't just come into therapy and just start talking. By 9 months in, she ended up shattering any relationship and trust that had built up, by backing off, and drastically tightening up boundaries without even so much as talking to me about it, or giving me any say.

Desperately depressed, practically suicidal, and unable to talk about it, because I felt shame, I picked up a severe addiction, which, looking back, I'm surprised didn't kill me. Almost a year after after what I call "the rupture" with T1, I started seeing what actually ended up being T3. There was a T2, and although she was ok, my therapy with her wasn't what I felt I "needed," so in comes T3. I was terrified at first, but T3 ended up being "the one," or so I thought. And she helped me receive help, getting me into a rehab program. The rejection I'd felt from T1 had me in a very bad place, I had picked up decades-old self mutilation, ended up quitting a job I loved, and was losing all passion for anything. T3....oh how I love and miss her.... things did not end well with her, and I am still feeling horrible pain and abandonment from her termination with me. I was finally at a place where I felt I could quit T1, and stick with T3. But T3, who had given me recommendations that she hoped I would follow, got upset with me when I didn't. I think, because my depression ran so deep, she, in a way, was nervous about being my only T, and she was requiring that I do more. I had tried some groups, but I didn't find them beneficial. She was even suggesting inpatient for my depression (NOT my recovering addiction....which hadn't been an issue, I was staying clean on my program). Basically, my big mistake with both of these Ts was letting them see what was really inside me. I wasn't a client in crisis, or a client threatening suicide (my self mutilation wasn't even shared), in fact T3 often bragged about how happy she was I was her client, she made me feel loved and extremely cared for, even "special." My work with her was more beneficial than I even realized....until now, when I don't have it. There's a lot more involved, but T3 terminated with me, and wouldn't even allow me a termination session, so I'm left here feeling no sense of closure, and missing her. I wasn't just terminated with her, but also with the doctor who was in charge of my rehab program, as she eventually transferred her practice to their facility.

So here I am, feeling "stuck" in my relationship with T1, and heavily mourning the loss of T3, and all of the great work she did with me. I tried to talk to her, but eventually realized I was making a fool out of myself when one of the office people there called me, asking me to refrain from contacting T3 and/or the rehab doctor there. So I was thrown away, having to frantically find another specialized doc for my medications, and still licking my wounds from feeling like I was thrown out with the trash, by someone whom I thought cared very much for me.

It's no surprised that I relapsed back into my addiction for a brief time after losing T3....I still have not been able to even say goodbye, or thank you, or "F--- You for the pain you caused me..." it depends on the day. But, at the end of every day, even if there had been some anger, I miss her, and I'm thankful for all she's done for me.

I'm quite sure I will never fully heal from the pain both of these therapists have caused me. Pandora's box has been opened......and T1 hurt me a great deal, and then ended up hurt even more by seeing T3, who was trying to help me heal the pain from T1. Now, some days I don't know which one hurts more. T3 is still very raw, losing her was, wow.... 6 months ago. But the pain T1 caused was 3 years ago now, and I'm afraid I will never heal from that.

Instead of enriching my life, therapy has caused more distrust. I do not allow myself to feel close to people, and I've thrown friendships away since the start of therapy 4 years ago. One, even being a friendship that spanned over two decades. I feel alone in the world. And therapy has only made that worse.

Sorry for the long post....but just wanted to let you know I hear you. I don't believe either one of these Ts intended to hurt me. Well, T1 for sure....she made mistakes with me she can't "take back." T3....well maybe it was intentional. I'll never know. But I do know how broken I am now. And now I'll always be "an addict." Even if a recovered one. T3 saved my life. She went above and beyond. But, when I was left feeling abandoned by her, all I wanted to do was use again. The pain was too much. Luckily I have not.