I took an Ativan right before work. It took about an hour to kick in but when it did...it was amazing. I was so calm. I wasn’t having ANY of my crazy worries. I even knew my co teacher was being observed and I didn’t care. And I felt totally confident. I actually understood what was going on today. I was able to help the kids without messing them up. Now, that all may change but...it was a great day.

I guess it lasted about ten hours. I came home, took care of a few thing, then went out to pick up my son. Took him to the store and dinner. By the time we got though...switch flipped. Seeing the ****ing mess in my house just flipped me into a rage. And it was at my son, because the mess is his fault. He’s the messy one. I’m constantly cleaning up after him. I mean full on rage. I told him I would NOT put his toy together unless he cleaned off the dining room table PROPERLY. When he tried to half *** it I yelled at him until he did it right. Then I tried to put this stupid ****ing toy together...I’m telling you, not good when you’re already pissed off. I hate building things.

I had to take another Ativan to calm down. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I am afraid of myself when I get so angry like that. I’m too paranoid to write the thoughts I have but they’re not good. And I hate myself for them, and my actions.

I had hoped to only have to take the Ativan once a day to help me through work, but if I need it to keep from getting too angry...I guess I’ll take it. I’m hoping the extra rexulti will stabilize my mood somewhat so I’m not so mixed and irritable in the first place, and then I’ll need less Ativan. Also I need to learn rage management skills from my therapist.

But I did decide to power though the week. I might still take Friday off, we will see. But definitely not tomorrow.