Thank you. I hope you are able to, too. Both of these therapists have been/are very important to me...which I should not have allowed to happen. But really, how can you stop it from happening? I joined this forum and started posting the very same month I started seeing T1, and I remember, a couple of years ago, going through old posts of mine on here, that just left me in tears. I even started posts asking how NOT to get attached, because I could feel it happening. If only I'd been able to stay detached enough to not get hurt so badly. T1 says this isn't about her, it's about my past. But one thing that was huge when I was growing up, was that I could not show love or appreciation for things, or I'd eventually get them taken away. Even people. Well, that may have been between 30 and 40 years ago, but now it's happening in therapy, too. Mostly with T1. Just one example, she used to give me such nice, warm, healing hugs after sessions. They helped me hold my head higher when I left. Well, they are now cold, meaningless, and one second long if I'm lucky. She decided "prolonged hugs" weren't useful in therapy. That was only one thing on the list that she changed....but I remember, after the rupture, we'd had a decent session, and she gave me one of those hugs. STUPID IDIOT ME....I Emailed her later, thanking her for that hug, and I never received another one.

Lots of examples...but T1 used to occasionally say "I love you." WHen that stopped, I questioned her about it, and she said that word is reserved for use in her private life, not in therapy. Yet, two weeks after she said that, she "screwed up," I suppose let the human come out in her, and she hugged me in the parking lot, and said those three words. I never made reference to that "screw up," because I knew if I did, I'd never have a chance of hearing it again. Well, almost three years later, I haven't. She has remained very guarded with me. No more initiated Emails from her, and eventually texting was taken away too, when she used to text me fairly often. I guess, looking back, she became too personal with me, realized it, and put an end to it. I can barely hug her anymore because they mean nothing. I know she does it out of duty now, because she assured me she would not take hugs away. No...but they mean nothing now, because now they are distant and cold. She wasn't willing to work with me, even meeting me part way. Nope, one by one, the meaningful things that helped me trust her and stay connected, were taken away. I felt like I meant something to her at one time, and it was helpful to feel that way, for me to realize that I was WORTH having someone act in a caring, loving way. But these Ts take it away...they hold too much power over us. And that's MY fault for letting it happen. I can barely talk about the pain therapy has caused. I don't think I was a good candidate for therapy, I think I was far too broken for such a relationship, and now I'm even worse off than before. Anyway, I better quit before I write a book here....lol. I think my first post about this rupture with T1 was about three years ago now, and I remember it being titled something about "Touch in therapy....it's gone." Something like that. Thanks for listening! And hopefully, we can both get through this....someday.

T1 used to let me cry on her shoulder. T3 would hold my hand and wipe my tears..... I've never had that. And it felt good. I was better off not knowing what I was missing out on....

I'm so broken, and empty....moreso than I can even come up with the words to even begin to express how broken and empty I am....