This has been pretty much my longest depressive episode yet.

I have tolerated and stuck with my medications. I have pushed myself to go to work, internship, school. I am taking a medical leave from work starting next months because it's just getting too hard. I will continue with my internship and even pick up an extra day because I need a certain amount of hrs. to graduate. I am in danger of not hitting that amount because of the time I had to take off due to being ill. I don't even care about anything anymore, yet I care very much. I SI every single night. I have tried 15 meds over the years. I haven't cleaned the house. I can't read for school. I lost all my interests and no longer enjoy life. I have no focus. All I want to do is lay in the bed or sleep. I applied to the doctoral program and I'm waiting for an answer this week or next week. I think I am more scared about what will happen if I do get in, rather than if I don't. It is something I have wanted more than anything else in the world. Now I just feel so detached. I see my pdoc in 2 hours. I am worthless.