I don't understand hospitals in the U.S., I'm in canada and here someone who is that sick, and I think you mentioned he was diagnosed with something more serious than pneumonia, would be kept in hospital or put into a palliative care room in the hospital. Sometimes I think our health care sucks, other times I'm very thankful for it.
I wish you had more options than the dive nursing homes.
You have too much knowledge about it and that worries you that he won't be treated well.
I still think you could visit often enough and make him more comfortable wherever nursing home you could find that is affordable, with or without the V.A. If you don't, you are over sacrificing yourself, and your depression will surely continue until you can't do it anymore. I'm not saying its impossible, but it sure seems like you will put yourself through more than you can handle soon. I hope you get some better help, or better advice soon to manage outside of his home, or as you want so badly, to keep caring for him at his home.

I understand how much you want this, I wish I could have cared for my own mother but it wouldn't have been physically possible. She had alzheimers and was up and down all night, and eventually had too many falls. Nothing but strapping her in bed would have kept her from falling, and that is illegal.. Sorry I go on, but I'm just not seeing how you can do this yourself. I wish you the best.