I just got back from T. We were supposed to go over an email i sent to her where i confessed to her that i cry for her at night and how i wish she could take care of me and comfort me and hold me. Well, we talked about other things because 1, T totally forgot about the email and 2, i didnt forget, but i was too chicken to bring it up. so most of the session we talked about how my parents arent there for me the way i want them to be and all i was thinking about was how i just want her to be there for me. in the last 5 mins i was silent and looking down and she asked if there was anything on my mind. shrugged shoulders. finally i said that i wanted to bring my email up but i couldn't, and she said well it will have to be the start convo for next time. then she asked me if i would be ok heading out. i was THINKING well whats the difference you have a client waiting in the waiting room right now, what would you do if i said no???? Instead, i said, "i guess so." On my drive home i started crying and i started crying even harder once i got home. I don't even know what it is i think its because of the convo i had with her today about i dont get my needs and that reminded me how i want them from her and the fact that we didn't talk about that i want them from her, plus the fact that she asked if i was ok heading out and i didn't say no. Even though at the moment i wasn't on the verge of tears or anything, but the second i left i was. sdlafjsdlkfjsdkfj why can't i be talking to her NOW after it all. NOW is when i need her, not an hour ago when i was sitting there numb as a paralyzed nerve. I miss her now and thats why i'm crying too. And thats what i needed to talk about with her today, that i cry for her. It will be the topic next time i'm sure but for now i just want her to hold me and say it will be ok. ((closes eyes and holds T in my mind))