Wildflower, I believe that the way you feel is totally normal, and to be expected. My precious sister died of cancer last year, but she had been an addict for 40 years. She had severe cardiac damage and lung damage from street drugs. That did not help her survive the cancer- and possibly, maybe, even contributed to the cancer.

I miss my sister something awful and I am also SO ANGRY at her!!!! She was the most colorful, brightest, intelligent, talented, lively person I've ever known, WHY did she hate herself so? The anger almost chokes me.

I greatly commend you for putting your son first. He is so small and needs to feel only love for his dad at this point so he can love himself and who he comes from. You and your son will deal with what happened later on.