Hi emptynightmare

I am sorry you're finding things so hard, and to me, it does sound like you're being incredibly tough on yourself as well which must make things even harder for you
The picture you're relating of what you do remember of your childhood really doesn't state that you were bad to me, and maybe if someone else were to relate the same experience to you, you wouldn't agree that they were just bad either??
Some of the things you remember like being shunned and cursed, not being guided with enough boundaries, having your father being intimidating and angry for no reason.......that all sounds real tough when you're growing up (even if you were an adult at the time it would be tough.........but growing up.....!!). Personally, I'd say that you deserve compassion not self-critisism from what you went through/from what you felt at that time
And I am so sorry you had to go through that and feel that way, but from what you have said I can't believe you were bad
And maybe why you've blocked some things out is because the feelings linked with them were too difficult to manage?? Kind of a form of self-preservation??
Now, only you can decide whether you want to try to unblock some memories (maybe with a therapist??) or not, for some people that can help with healing processes, for some it can be bad.........but you do have the future here on in which could be different with some support including maybe working on your perspective of yourself, your self-esteem, the depression...........I know that may sound much easier said than done..........but there can be a better future out there...........and I say that you're worth fighting for!!!!



Alison